Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Perhaps it is because I just finished (re)watching the movie Wit (2001) that I felt compelled to think this through.

Else, it could be my seeing a thread asking about one's favorite class, referring not to scholarly classes, though I mistakenly thought so. In any regard, the movie did remind me that my favorite classes were, since the eighth grade, largely English classes, and, as I grew older, became specifically poetry and literature classes.

Perhaps it is due in part to the prolixity of most poems, and some literature, that causes my enjoyment of the classes, but that can only account for, at most, less than half of my love, as though it were quantifiable. Indeed, the source for the majority of my utter revelry in such classes is the professors themselves. Every single one, whether considered 'good' or 'bad', causes in me gaiety as such I can hardly feel except under extremely specific, and unrelated to this subject, circumstances.

To elaborate, it is sitting in front of a professor, as an unseen observer, unseen insofar as I am not being personally seen by him, or her, seeing as I would be in a crowd of, say, 300 other students. But it is sitting in front of a professor and hearing him go on about a poem, or novel, and detail various ideas and theories to the extent that it is obvious, to me at least, of the love these professors have for their subject.

For example, in this movie, the professor Vivian (I am terrible with names and, as such, have already forgotten her last name...), as well as her professor from some time ago, have a scene where Vivian is lectured on a particular poem of John Donne. Now, an English teacher of mine from a few years back told me this story of John Donne and this poem, and I will retell it to you, but I may have it wrong, and for that, I apologize beforehand.

From what I recall, this particular poem of John Donne was published, I believe, sometime in the 17th century. In that poem, which is very beautiful in its own right, the last line goes:
And Death shall be no more, Death, thou shalt die.
And then, some time later, another version, written by Donne, naturally, of the same poem was found. This time ending with:
And Death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die!
 Note the difference. Not only is there an exclaimation mark at the end, but the comma has turned into a semicolon, thus, as Vivian's professor points out in the movie, turning what was a breath into some melodramatic line fit for Shakespeare (paraphrasing her words). Seeing as the two were dated quite close to each other, it is up to scholarly debate as to which rendition is the 'correct' rendition, hence Vivian's professor's poison toward the copy using the latter punctuation style.

Now, for all practical purposes, who cares, right? Nonetheless, it is in my seeing these professors, English, literature, poetry professors, all go on about a piece that sets my soul aflame. It does not matter if I care for the subject, either of the class or of the piece they're lecturing on, just hearing them talk about it, hearing the love in their voice, hearing all the hours they spent outside of class preparing for the lecture, researching, writing notes, discussing with their colleagues...

You have, of course, knowledge of people saying how they heard a wonderful piece of music, or how they saw a particularly beautiful field of flowers, and so were imbued with sheer love of life, yes? It is very much the same thing, though the cause of the feeling is different.

It is a bit odd, honestly, because, in the lectures, you are expected, both as student and simple observer, to not just hear them speak, but to understand their speech, to take notes, to absorb the knowledge they're putting forth. But...but it is just so much more enjoyable to hear them. To hear the tonations of their voice, the different pitches as they read aloud a particular passage, or emphasize a point in their lecture. I gather more joy from hearing them speak, even if, after their lecture is over, I retain nothing, than I do paying apt attention to the meaning of their words and forcing myself to understand what Locke means about material intercourse, or whatever the phrase was. Not very good for a student, hm?

It does not work the same way when, say, an electrical engineer, or nuclear physicist, or medical doctor drones on about their jargon. Indeed, in such cases, I automatically trigger the nod-and-smile mechanism and have my mind wander off to recite Henry V in my head, or thinking about how pretty the clouds are.

As I said, though, not only does listening to professors lecture give me joy, but hearing them read aloud, or even just myself reading silently, various pieces of poetry, or of literature with nice prose, grants me the same, if not greater, joy.

I think I want a book of poetry for Christmas.

Monday, December 20, 2010

"The more I love humanity in general, the less I love man in particular."

I always fashioned myself something after Dostoevsky's quote, but I must admit that, the longer and more frequent I keep myself knowledgeable in current events, and, in particular, public opinions of said current events (namely through eavesdropping, comments-section reading, and random googling), the more I find myself turning into a misanthrope.

A current case that caught my eye, which I will hold my tongue a bit out of paranoia from my watching a movie about the stasi earlier this morning, about that one book on Amazon's best seller list, which they defended against accusations and such, then took down in spite of that defense.

But that's not my problem. Indeed, Amazon is a private business and was acting in pure Capitalist desires. I've no qualms against such an action, though I'd prefer a defense of free speech, I am not so Idealistic to expect a big business to prioritize freedom of expression over money.

No, my problem is that newer story of the author being arrested in Colorado, to be extradited to Florida, and thus prosecuted under Florida Criminal Law, not for writing the book, deplorable though the book may be, but for distributing it across state lines.

To put it simply, people everywhere, in every corner of the country, in every news site, conservative or liberal, want this man to die the most gruesome of deaths for writing his book. And, while I do not condone the actions described in the book, I do not want him to die the most gruesome of deaths for writing it. If he broke the law in writing it, then by all means convict him.

That's the thing, though. He has essentially become the target of society's disgust for writing this book, but is going to be convicted under a criminal offense of distributing "obscene" material across state lines. Now, anyone who has had even the slightest interest in the US' policies concerning material deemed, shall I say, less-than-savory in the eyes of the majority of society should know this law very well. It is, unless I've slipped up on the names, the same law Chris Handley was convicted under. Indeed, while the 'normals' wanted him thrown in prison for his cartoon porn, he was only convicted for transporting "obscene" material across state lines.

Now, this is my problem. This law is obviously nonsensical. Why, nearly every single American in this country is in violation of it, if pornography crossing state lines via copper cables counts, and yet the law is not enforced against us. No, this law's purpose is to single out a minority and torture them, socially and legally, taking away all they have by publicizing their 'dirty little secrets' and throwing them in jail for good measure. It is in this way that, upon release, they will be hard pressed to find a job, their families will avoid them, friends will have mysteriously vanished or changed their phone numbers, and they will have their world flipped upside down. This is, in effect, the same qualms I have against Megan's Law, but never you mind that.

People across the world have an opinion over the American Legal System, mostly, if not wholly, negative. The reason, I believe, the justice system in this country is horrid is due, not to corrupt politicians, nor private jails, but for another matter.

It is not illegal for this man to write or sell this book. At all. Everyone who wants the author to burn in hell, to get violently raped in prison, to get shot in the forehead, to be tortured, to be flayed upon a stake, or whatever other graphic descriptions I've read good Christians and kindly Atheist neighbors demand of him, it is for an action that is not a crime. And thank god for it.

But because it is not illegal for him to write this book, the only way they can satisfy their vindictive desires for justice is by catching him on a nonsensical law that, as I have said, surely all of Americans are in violation of, but only those who go against the 'normal moral mindset' are convicted under.

It is in the minds of every American that its purpose is to extract vengeance from criminals. A sort of reparation to the victims, whoever they may be. Indeed, even people who are not the victims of a crime have become so self-centered that they demand revenge extracted from criminals and/or supposed criminals for 'crimes' not inflicted upon them.

This is why the US legal system is horrid. Not corruption of officials, but because the people themselves are selfish and corrupt.  And thus my slow descent into misanthropy, hating both man in particular and man in general, at least as defined by man in the particular.


My apologies, it seems I was a bit misinformed. I could type up my misinformation, but a screenshot with relevant links would be easier. And it would serve as an image for this post.

Well, that being the case, I take back my remarks on the Federal law concerning obscenity. Not that it matters, but it's good to be honest about these things. My opinions about American citizens and using the justice system as a means to their sense of satisfying their 'revenge' I still stand by, however.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Mountain Halls Duskcraft

I don't know what happened to the last save, but mysteriously vanished from my save folder, so I had to start over. Thus, Tathrigoth (Duskcraft), settled in the dear temperate area near a brook and volcano, came to be. The brook, named by explorers as The Subordinate Artifices, was flowing with fresh water, but appeared to be very far away from the volcano. Indeed, it is 8 z-levels and and the entire opposite side of the map. Between setting up my fortress on the flatlands near the brook, or the obsidian-rich mountains near the volcano, I, naturally, opted for the volcanic land. Perhaps it was due to what the very same explorers named the volcano that influenced my decision: The Fire of Authority.

This volcano spanned over 50 z-levels before disappearing far beyond my dwarven echolocation devices' reach. For 45 of those 50 levels, its shape remains exactly the same. From the peak of the mountain it resides beside to deep inside, its rocky container did not change a centimeter, and so it was difficult for me, at first, to figure out how to tap the delicious magma. If I channeled down, it would spill over, and if I just carelessly ordered a dwarf to puncture the wall, it would consume him, and I did not want to lose a dear miner.

I eventually found a way, doing something so simple, I could curse myself for having trouble with it before, but never you mind. In any case, my figuring out how to access the magma right next to me is what spurned the creation of my magma furnaces.

A bit disorderly, perhaps, but it effectively encompasses most of the area dug out above for furnaces and such. My farms were not only not planted yet, but the area I was going to plant them had not even been dug out! Yes, I had prioritized magma smelters and furnaces before food. The fortress nearly starving to death aside, I think it was a completely dwarvenly thing to do, and so possess neither regret nor guilt for the incident(s).

It was around this time that my stonecrafter was taken by a fey mood, and so designed and made Zimthimshur Leganokab, "Crestpartner the Mirthful Breaker" which, regrettably, is not as interesting as the name.

Nonetheless, it allowed my stonecrafter to pump out hundreds of masterwork obsidian crowns, scepters, and other trinkets, ensuring the fortress would never look at expensive items of traders with envious eyes. Indeed, thanks to Shem Asuvar, we could most likely buy the entire stock of caravans and have trinkets left over! Which is good, as the mountain we took home to, while possessing a volcano and river, lacked much wood. In fact, when we first came, it had but 15 trees. That we deforested immediately.

In any event, after my farms were dug out (but not planted), and two smelters were up and running, with one furnace making rudimentary breastplates for my two hammerdwarves, my armorer had an epiphany, and immediately pushed everyone away from the furnace, yelling profanities and demanding all animals to be put to death. As soon as I had approached him, however, he, quite unceremoniously, threw two copper bars at the furnace, then ran away. But a few minutes later, though, he was running back, giggling madly and clutching tanned leather to his chest. Seemingly absorbed in his own work, everyone, myself included, simply left him alone, pretending that our furnace had mysteriously disappeared, rather than bother the madman.

A few days later (three, in fact), a shout was heard throughout the entirety of our dear home, and Ber Urdimaned held his new work high above his head in utter ecstasy before gently setting it on the ground for others to haul to the appropriate spot, and walking away for a long-deserved drink.

I have to say, I was, and am, quite pleased with it. Nothing is so great as a legendary piece of armor a great warrior can wear, except a legendary piece of armor that details our history. Every foe who this future warrior kills will have his blood sprayed upon the leather of our beginning.

Well, seeing as my dear mountain was filled with obsidian, and seeing as I possessed a legendary armorer and stonecrafter, I decided to set up mandatory basic military training for all my dwarves. I have both an armorer and stonecrafter who were given the gift of the fey not long after my fortress' beginning, so, I reason, it is as if the gods were saying that I should do this.

I had my armorer pump out iron shields, and he did that extremely quickly, making 50 shields in but a few days. My stonecrafter.... He makes obsidian swords very well, and very fast, but, as I have said, my site lacks very many trees.  Thankfully, the humans and elves bring us wood in great supply, but I always run out, even though I do nothing with it but make beds and swords. Bins and barrels are made out of lead (Hoho, who needs safety precautions?), by the by, and yet my sword production is still behind my shield supply. Though all my dwarves, and newly immigrated dwarves, have a shield almost immediately upon drafted, many must wait for seasons before a sword can be fashioned. This puts a damper on my basic training plan, and it is terribly difficult, bureaucratically, to tell dwarves to not go inside the danger room unless in possession of both a sword and shield. Some dwarves even lie, saying they have a sword, when they clearly do not upon inspection. I'm really uncertain as to why, but perhaps they are desirous of extra training. Those who lie about a sword often end up with being quite an expert with a shield, while all their comrades are dismissed when they become merely competent or slightly skilled with their sword and board.

Human merchants have just arrived, so this seems a good place to stop. I am having our miners search out iron veins, and have just enlisted recent migrants to a newly created "Melter" class. As the name says, their job is to do absolutely nothing but smelt the 100 or so mined iron ores into bars, while my armorer and (sadly not legendary) weaponsmith equip our army.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Rune Factory 3

I did go through and marry Sakuya after all. She's a really sweet girl, kind, strict, ruthless when it comes to money, and willing to swindle her own husband out of 800g whenever the opportunity arises. She's a bit impatient, thus ruining her abilities to cook, and I wish her favorite food was something other than sashimi, so I'd get a wider variety of things to cook for her, but that's fine. And her mother is so amazing~ Pia is nothing but annoying, though.

One thing I was curious about: Even though I did marry Sakuya, it seems Karina is slowly falling in love with me. I just did a few quests for her because it was interesting, and now she's all cute and blushy when I talk to her. It's refreshing, but also makes me feel sad, since I have no interest in her whatsoever. Her mother, on the other hand...

In any event, I ended up feeling really bad for Daria since, throughout my gameplay, I practically ignored her. When I had to introduce Kuruna to the village, it took me hours (in-game) to figure out why it wouldn't let me go forward with the quest before I remembered Daria was even in the game. I'd never talk to her, put off by her...eccentricities, and come my wedding day to Sakuya, while doing that quest, I, by chance, saw her waiting in front of my house and talked to her. Something about how she told me it was a long time since we last talked made me remember that I hadn't spoken a word to her in three seasons, and never realized.

So, I was planning on starting a new game, this time going after Carmen, and, more importantly, learning magic. My first character used a spear, as spears are as obsessive and awe-inspiring to me as what swords were to Shirou. God, I loved how they implemented them in this game. Can't tell you why, exactly. Just the movements, the attacks, how fluidly dashes worked with thrusts, and how absolutely beautiful the charge attack was... So wonderful.

Anyway, magic for this new character. Maybe dual-swords, if magic is too difficult/useless. I am put off by dual-swords since they seem to have x2Offence and x0Defense (multipliers completely made up, by the by), and, despite using a spear, I still got hit quite a bit by ranged guys in my first play through. I'll see, though.

Oh, and Carmen. I'm not fond of the beat-up-the-guy trope, as I was introduced to her with, but her genki attitude is refreshing, especially after having spent tons of time doing quests for Raven. I always liked Raven in a sort of familial way. Kind of like a sister, you know? But after being around that much silence, it's a bit taxing, hypocritical though it is for me to say. Anyway, my first play through saw me tempted to go for Carmen, but her brother was such a great guy, it made me feel really bad to take the sister away from such an obvious siscon. But I shall cast that guilt aside this new play through!

I really want to keep playing my first game until I get a kid with Sakuya, but it's gotten very boring, and taxing even. I keep my farm in use, planting 9 of each seasonal vegetable and flower, just because it would feel bad to abandon the farm entirely, but it's just gotten to be less fun and more work to keep everything watered, to cut the plants when they fruit, and to replant the seeds to get up to higher levels... If nothing else, I'll keep at playing for a while, but let my farm grow decrepit. I still have emery flowers that have yet to bloom, though, so I'll tend to them. Why can't the real world have flowers of solid gold? They'd be so pretty. I wonder what it would take to make them, even if they were just golden carnations.

Also, Monica won my heart yet again by calling me "Dear" in casual conversation. I felt my heart skip a beat and a goofy grin crawl on my face when she did. I replayed that conversation at least 10 times before going on with my jobs for the day. Even now, I can hear her saying it in her sweet little voice. She's so damn adorable. Why does the world hate lolicons? To tease me with such a treasure, and forbid me from holding it is too cruel. Inhumanly cruel!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

To be the dog

Thinking of it some more, I realized that I still felt some inner conflict over my own nature and desires. Not brought about by a conflict with the world views of another, but by my own perception of the future. I cannot, though I say this with some trepidation, see for myself a 'future'. That is, if I were asked to imagine myself in the future, say, 20 years from now, I could not. Now, not knowing what will happen in the future is quite natural, I'm sure, but I cannot just see myself in any situation, student, worker, married, single, dog, or human, at all.

Now, my issue comes from this in accordance with my desire, as I have stated before, to be a 'dog', as was termed previously. Now, to divulge into fantasy, imagining that I was able to live such a life with such a person to support me in just the way I enjoy the most, in just the way to satisfy any and every desire and Ideal I have attached to the fantasy. This fantasy being imagined, then, to its fullest Ideal, I have trouble imagining a future to it.

To put it more succinctly, supposing I had everything go my way to the utmost perfection, how could it last? How would it last? For example, the average life is to go to a university, get a girlfriend, get a degree, get a job, get a house, get a wife, get a kid or two, get old, get retired, get grandkids, get a funeral for your wife, die.

Following that pattern, the fantasy I desire lacks any sort of goal.

Yes, that's it: It lacks any goal. It is, so to speak, a slice of life novel, with no climax, no rising action. What I fear, then, is, if there is no climax, will there be, then, a falling action?

That 'fear' is likely just a result of lack of life experience, though, and isn't so pressing. I just need to study some more slice-of-life pieces of literature and other media to see how they work.

More than that, is it even possible for a human to live day after day with 'respect' without possessing a goal whatsoever? Not that I, or, I suspect, those others who read this, NEETs and leeches the majority of you may be; not that I care for the respect or even opinion of society as a whole, mind, but, in regards to the fantasy (which I have not, nor will, define exactly, as it possesses many faces), if the one person whose opinion I do care for drops, it will be of my own fault.

Perhaps I am struggling with the image of the working person that I have grown up with, having it, for lack of a better term, forced down my throat and into my heart by, literally, every human being I'd come into contact with as a child, so that, now, some part of my brain has flags and red lights shooting up at the very thought of wanting anything other than hard worker, earning your meal and so on. I lack passion for such a life, yet feel as though I'm doing something wrong, a feeling that reverberates in the deepest parts of my being, for wanting anything other than that life.

Truly, having written and reread this, I see that my issue is that I, quite simply, cannot fathom an individual who would support this 'dog'; someone who lives day to day with no outreaching goal, no desire to own a bakery, or to become a doctor, or to become a better painter, or to learn how to swim. Indeed, if I had to imagine the future, the very most I could do is say that a goal of the dog's would simply be to help its owner achieve their goals. A leech, in other words. It is, to my mind, completely unthinkable, in the literal sense of the word, that an individual exists who would willingly allow such a leech on their flesh. No goal, no desire, no future prospects other than to live one day after the other.

Indeed, the first thing that comes to my mind imagining such a leech is the unshaven, unkempt hobo, living each day searching for food and resting. If I were to imagine the life and future of a stray dog, so to speak, then perhaps I can get answers to my own feelings. What is it that hobos do when not foraging and dumpster diving? Beside standing at street corners begging for money. Oh, and beside socializing, assuming this would be an asocial hobo.Thinking about where he failed in his life? But that feeling of failure would likely be more rooted in that he has to search for food in the trash of other, more well-to-do of his kind than that he had no future. I imagine, at least. Or is it? Could it be that his feeling of failure results in that he has no power to escape his situation? Regardless of whether he would want to or not, is it that he has no choice in the matter that causes him his feelings of self-pity and self-revulsion?

I find such an answer doubtful. Though the caged bird may look at the sky, it still sings with the other birds regardless. And if the cage is spacious enough for the bird to enjoy stretching its wings while still remaining inside it, and if the cage is more cozy than outside of it, is it not rational to want to stay encaged? To say that lack of freedom causes the hobo's sadness and regret just feels as a wrong answer to me, especially since many of my day-dreams of being a dog involve the loss of privacy of my very thoughts, in one way or another.

Going on a completely different route, then, what if the regret the hobo feels is due to an issue of responsibility and reward? That is, the hobo, pitiful as his lot is in life, is responsible for a multitude of things that require an excessive amount of work to accomplish, things that are taken for granted by more well-to-do members of society. It'd be pointless to go into details, but what if this stray dog's regret comes from having to do this excessive work just to survive, while receiving for it no praise or reward? That is, a doctor has the responsibility of a hobo (survival, getting food, etc), as well as the responsibility of a tax payer, and the responsibility of a doctor, and the responsibility, perhaps, of a father, etc. And for fulfilling some of those responsibilities, the doctor is praised, paid, rewarded, or what have you. Of course, no one would praise a doctor for having made money enough to afford a meal at a fast food place, and though such a task may be daunting for a hobo, no one would praise him either. Nor should they, really, but that's neither here nor there.

In this regard, is, then, the regret toward life that the hobo feels a result of the realization that he struggles with what the rest of society does as easily as breathing? The prideful belief that, "I should be able to do this easily. I shouldn't be struggling with so simple a task as this"?

Ah, whatever. I've not read very varied philosophy doctrines or pieces of literature, but I'm beginning to harbor a hatred toward it. Every question spawns a new question, and, now, I've rambled so far away from my original intention, I've no idea where I am. If nothing else, this can be an archive, of sorts, that I can look back to in case my thinking every pulls me back to this path of reasoning. Now, though, food and Rune Factory 3 call me.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Damn Rune Factory

I've always been a Harvest Moon fan, and, though it is no Harvest Moon 64, Rune Factory 3 really soothed that itch of not having played a Harvest Moon game in so long. I've only been playing it for the past three days, mind, but I've been spending every free minute I have on the game. I'm in the middle of my first winter right now, and I'm finally getting the hang of farming well enough to, for lack of a better term, min-max my produce levels.

Buying out of season flowers, planting them, then tilling the withered leaves the next day, and doing it over and over again with scythed seeds of various in-season crops gets me to level 7, 8, and 9 within a week! Working on getting to level 10.

Not that that matters, though. It took me to early Fall to get four buffalmoos, or however they're called, and milk them for level 5 and 6 small milks daily. Now that that's turned into four level 10 medium milks, each worth, I believe, a little under 5000g, farming is just a hobby. With 20,000g daily, who needs other money makers?

In any event, I've heard many exclaim surprise about how many girls there are to marry in this game, and not being able to choose due to too large a selection, but I have to disagree. Yes, there are quite a few, but none of the girls really appeal to me. Or, rather, the few that do are unavailable. Namely Hazel and Monica. Hardworking, reliable Hazel, and sweet, moe-moe Monica~ After doing a few request, Monica went from that annoying anti-social brat who bites a lot to calling me dear! My heart~ It swoons! Hearing her voice is enough to make me smile. Her shy attempts at flirting will kill me! So cute. So adorable. Why can my character not wake up to that every morning? It's unfair, I say. Age discrimination is no laughing matter! Why, any who disagrees has simply not heard her call you onii-san. Truly, just hearing her greet you would turn any man to my side. I want to marry Monica, dammit!

That aside, namely as a result of my experience with Monica, I had been working on marrying Shana, solely because it would, naturally, let me be with Monica, but then a few lines of dialogue from Sakuya caught me. Namely the ones regarding her (and her mother's, apparently) desire to get the MC to crossdress. Oh, and the hints of Sakuya's fiery Capitalist ventures and ruthless drive toward her desires are rather attractive as well. So Sakuya it is. Plus, she really saved me once by supplying me with 68 pieces of iron just the day I needed it, and 72 pieces of silver a few weeks after. Overpriced? Sure, but what's the value of money when you have more of it than you'll ever need?

Regardless, I'm curious as to if there is anything special in pointedly refusing to marry, remaining the bachelor for as long as your lifespan allows. Or if it's just normal gameplay as the elder characters repeatedly make shameless remarks about how cute their daughter and you look together. Oh, and I also hope there's a crossdressing scene, but if there is, it will no doubt be 'off-screen' with no real sprites (3D or 2D) of the MC in drag... C'est la vie.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I wish I were cute

I can probably blame this desire on the *chans, which, coupled with my own submissive being, caused to manifest in me this nearly pervasive longing for something that is beyond me, currently at least. Indeed, likely due to social rules on gender, it is extremely embarrassing for me to even say this, unlike on various *chans, due to having less anonymity here than there, even though the only difference is that I possess a (fake) name.

Regardless, I want to be cute. And I do not say this with as little regard as I would say, "I want to eat cookies," but with the gravity of a professor taken over by revelation on what he wishes to commit his life studying. Odd though the analogy may be.

I don't care what my sex or gender is, only that my body, stature, and face look, to my own subjective tastes, cute. I want to be cute, to wear cute clothes, to be treated, by those few who do deal with me, less by their conceptions of my gender as a man, and more by if they were dealing with a girl.

 The reason I decided to type this up today is likely due to a dream I had just last night. It was of me being married to some faceless woman who I really didn't have any knowledge of other than she was a business lady and I was her househusband, and that she was a shotacon and yaoifangirl, despite her...age. In any event, in the dream, I was cute, and did all the housework in a cute maid uniform like the one below.

Feeling the air brush between my legs, the skirt sway with each step as I went about my daily routines, it was all very enjoyable...and enviable when I eventually woke up. Oh, that I could look like a cute girl, or at least be androgynous enough to pass quite well as either sex depending on my attire,  it would likely give me a goal to work toward: to nourish the new-found narcissism.

I did imagine that this desire of mine was simply a succumbing to 2D 'perfection' and trying to apply said 2D Ideals onto an imperfect 3D world, but even with 3D girls, I find myself envious of their soft looks and feminine being.

Granted, when it comes to 3D, I'd much rather remain...noticeably young. Even if it would lose me a sex drive, I'd rather not go through puberty (as either sex, really, but never mind that) and remain the child. Makes me a bit envious of the immortals of fiction.

Now, thinking of it psychologically, I imagine that this is, perhaps, a way through which my ego is allowing my own submissive personality and tendencies to surface while coping with the gender roles I grew up with. Not to be an armchair psychologist, but simply as a way of trying to understand my own mind and desires, I believe that I am manifesting my desires to be, for lack of a better term, a submissive partner by superimposing them onto my beliefs of female gender roles. My enjoyment of feminine attire is simply my mind rationalizing by essentially saying, "If you want to be submissive, you must look the role, and, as Romans go to Gladiator fights for entertainment, if you wish to be Roman, you must enjoy a little gore." Or something like that. In any event, I don't want to rid myself of the desire, oddly enough, despite how depressed it may make me that I will never fulfill it. Indeed, even if it is 100% impossible to satisfy, I still believe I want to hold onto the vain hope that I might wake one day in a more ideal body. Not to say my own is detestable, but it is not ideal to me, you understand. Indeed, if I had some curves, was perhaps an inch or two shorter, and underwent a complete bone structure pubertal-reversal, removing my testosterone-made chin, broad shoulders, large hands, etc, then I would not be so displeased. Oh, my trachea is a bit large, too, so that would need to go as well.

In any event, this self-inquiry does nothing to help my desire to be the little girl, and, indeed, I can think of no way of fulfilling my desires satisfactorily. There's surgery, hallucinogenic drugs, and waiting for virtual reality to support a lifetime subscription/hook-in, all of which cost much beyond I could ever afford, and, even then, would give me less than acceptable results, for various reasons. I'd much rather call upon some omnipotent Goddess or Demon to grant my tiny wish, since they, at least, might have the ability to change my very bone structure, which is the greatest detriment to my desire. I wonder just what the extent of the power a certain gap demon possesses...and how painful it would be to employ her.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

To be a dog

“Humans alone have the possibility of limitless advancement…They’re all tenacious little insects, really; like a bunch of cockroaches. It would do you some good to have a little drive and ambition. Maybe then you would be more of a man than you are a dog.”

I was wasting my time reading various things (which you can easily use Google to find, no doubt), and I came across this line. Told to a NEET, the speaker was, to my understanding, commenting on the vastness of human potential, yet declaring how spineless the NEET was for simply living to survive, as a dog would, than living to achieve, as a human would, in her opinion.

I am not entirely certain, but I believe the feelings this invokes in me mean that I take offense to this. Granted, I know the 'right' answer is to say that she is correct. I understand that it is...deplorable, to say the least, to wake up every day in a dull haze with no real ambition toward the morrow save for getting enough money to afford food and housing. I can see her reasoning; after all, humans have come so far, creating forests of steel, and becoming the top predator of the food chain, despite having no claws, no scales, no poisons, no defenses, and no offenses to really speak of. It is truly only through sheer ambition and drive that humans have been able to go from dull beasts living in caves to creatures who can transport their voice to the other side of the planet in seconds, and their bodies in but a few days. Hell, we have poisoned and conquered the very planet that we were birthed from. It is only natural (definition being, in accordance to our nature) to continue the legacy of desire and achievements.

Yet, despite this, I cannot help but believe that living the, albeit dull, life of a 'dog' would not be too bad. No need to worry about lofty goals or overarching desires, having the freedom to lounge about, to dream about physically impossible realities, to analyze your own thoughts, desires, instincts, and definitions. It would not 'achieve' anything; any mark left by such a person will not affect a large number of people. Indeed, I highly doubt the number would be higher than 30, much less hundreds or thousands.

And if that becomes boring, if you'll allow such a question? Well, the only thing I can think of, personally, is to find a lover and live for her, odd or unrealistic the suggestion may be. Indeed, when it comes to ambition to live 'as a human', I must admit to having none. Even now, I work only as hard as is required so that I may hope to get a piece of paper allowing me to work a job, which I will work only as hard as is required, so that I may get enough money to afford food, water, and housing, as well as a few luxuries to distract my mind from boredom.

Is it so wrong to have the desire to be a dog? It is ironic because just earlier today, before I came across this particular reading, I was reading a CYOA where the main character did essentially become the pet of a woman. I enjoyed it, even if it was a bit too centered on sex. and truly wouldn't mind such an easy-going and pampered life, provided it wasn't so centered on sex.

Such an introverted life would have no real ambitions, lofty or otherwise, and, indeed, I show my own escapism from life by stating I would rather live for another than my own self. Not that I say it as an excuse; truly, the thought of waking up, preparing breakfast, and seeing someone I honestly care for off as they work toward their goals does make me feel a sort of schoolgirl happiness. Kyaa~ Kyaa~ and all that rot. Even if not as a housewife, but as a toy, living for another, it would instill in me the express desire to please and to make the other's life as easy or enjoyable as possible. Such a servile person I am...

Still, to put it on a balance, such a person with such desires of hearth-tending are...unneeded. If, for example, a relationship consisted between two persons, both of whom were Human Ambitious, they would get along fine, all other things equal, and possibly support each other's ambitious attitudes and goals with a sort of competitive spirit. On the other hand, if a relationship consisted between two persons, the first of whom were Human Ambitious and the second Dog Ambitious, shall we say, they, too, would get along fine, with the former reaching toward her goals and the latter working to ensure the former has all she needs to achieve those goals. Therefore, in terms of efficiency, the Dog Ambitious is unneeded, as the relationship between two Human Ambitious persons would work just as well, giving the world, and entire human populace, two ambitious persons to advance the race. The latter couple would result in only one ambitious person.

All that said, I believe the main thing that is bothering me is simply that, by this little quip from her alone, I can tell that, were I facing her in the stead of the NEET, she would be utterly disgusted with me, as though I were a flea-ridden dog. That imagined look of complete disdain, that another person would feel that way about me, that is what bothers me the most, I believe. It doesn't feel good to be regarded like that. And it hurts worse that it's for a desire that I, honestly, feel I cannot help but feel. Like a feminazi, assuming the basis of her hate wasn't entirely idiotic, hating you because you're male. You can't help that.

It follows, then, that the reason I am having issues is that I am assuming the basis of her hate isn't entirely idiotic, to use the same phrase, or, rather, because I, truly, cannot find flaw with her reasoning. It is entirely correct, as far as I can see, that for a Human to live as a Dog would, living day to day solely on instinctive survival desires is a waste of life, of ambition, of potential. Yes, it is fully within my right to waste it, but that does not change the fact that I am committing a crime upon my very blood and being to waste it. It's dishonorable. It's ignoble. It is contemptible.

And it is because I desire it still that I feel affronted by her words.


Monday, October 18, 2010

Dwarf Fortress

I have absolutely no clue why, but I have found that I've gotten absolutely addicted to this game. Indeed, last night (I think it was last night), I spent half the day, literally, doing nothing but playing Dwarf Fortress. Had the headache of my life after spending 12 hours straight of staring at ASCII.

Now, I'm not new to this game. I don't remember how long I've been playing, but it wasn't a few months ago. I've gotten quite used to the game, its mechanics, the UI, etc. DF2010's military was a bitch, but I've gotten the basics of it down, now. Still haven't harnessed its full potential, mind you, but I've gotten to the point where I no longer complain about it being too hard and can at least see the potential of what I can do there. Ah, regardless, I've been playing it for a time, which is why I have no clue why it is only now that I was stricken with the "I'll stop right after I do this...I should do that too, but I'll quit right after" bit.

Oh well.

I have to say, this current fortress of mine is the only one where I have had a problem with hauling. It always seems I just lack enough hands. Even now, with Spring bringing me at least 10 dwarves, I still have a hard time getting them to work instead of hauling things. Currently, it seems like I have tons of wood cut, and everyone is pitching in to haul it to my inner storage. Two years past, I had about 800 units of meat outside, and it took ages to haul it all in. I was afraid it'd all rot! Still haven't gotten around to putting it all in barrels, but at least it's inside.

I was pretty lucky with my site. Not only does it have enough obsidian to build a Temple to Armok (which I will be doing soon enough), but it also came with elephants. A couple cages here and there, and I have more than 15 war elephants, with 5 more waiting to be trained as soon as some trainer stops hauling wood long enough to train them. I find it a bit annoying how, when assigning war animals to a dwarf, I don't have a choice in which animal to assign to them. I have a couple war dogs, and that's annoying as hell, as I'd rather keep the dogs chained in various locations for thieves, and the elephants as personal war pets.

The land is flat as hell, but that's what I was looking for in this particular fortress. Now, I'm not some prissy elf, nor am I a damn human, but there's something about having a small fortress above ground that extends miles underneath. Reminds me of a glacier.

My defenses are pretty poor, though, and basically consist of hoping my cage traps nab them all. I had a squad of about 6 sword dwarves, all equipped with obsidian weaponry and leather armor, but a goblin ambush of axemen made short work of them. The two human mercenaries killed them all on their own; a spearman and a wrestler, I think they were.

Anyway, as I speak, an ambush of Goblin bowmen attacked. Fortunately, they're on the other side of the river, the only way across which is a small bridge I made.

Unfortunately, a woodcutter is on that side. Also unfortunate, he managed to scout a second ambush squad, this time consisting of Goblin pikemen. I have ordered the men to triple the amount of cage traps nearest our entrance. Hopefully those not caught at the bridge will get caught by our small brigade of War Elephants. And hopefully those that get passed them alive and still have the will to fight get caught in our 'Last Bastion' outside hall.

It's a shame both ambushes came from the same side. Though the majority of the land here is flat, there is a small mountain to the Northeast. I have had the miners smooth the mountain's sides except for a few various strategic locations.

Though, that may be a blessing in disguise. Our entire western front is completely exposed.

In any event, I've received word that the fortress' woodcutter managed to weasel through the two ambush groups, made it past the bridge, and is on way to the fort to eat something, suffering only two arrows through the leg and left hand. Fortunately, he uses his axe in his right.

The Goblins regrouped and are passing the bridge in full force, their forces combined. Their numbers must have been smaller than I first thought, though, as it seems all but three has been caught on the bridge traps. The three remaining appear to be staring in disbelief that their comrades have been taken, and must be reevaluating their goals. We have one sword dwarf remaining, and I have sent an order that he wait just beyond the bridge, to draw them across into the remaining traps. Being bowmen, it will be tough, but he is tough.

Alas, it seems he was too rash, and disregarded orders to retreat, instead charging head first into the fray. He managed to wound one of them quite a bit, hitting him in the gut before slashing both his hands, lower leg, and one of his arms. The wounded goblin is currently passed out in its own vomit and blood. Unfortunately, an iron arrow shot to my Arm's head pierced his brain, and he died instantaneously.
That makes our military numbers to a full zero. Fortunately, last spring gave us enough migrants to afford a small squad of marksmen, and the men have been ordered to cancel their hauling and proceed immediately to training.

The wounded goblin awoke from its stupor and, in a rage, charged passed the bridge, consumed with desires for revenge upon the race that gave him his wounds perhaps. He was immediately caught in a cage. I have made a note of his name so that he may be encased in the room of the Arm. The murderous Tode Dostngospmutog, killer of the Arm, is still biding her time at the bridge with her comrade, ever wary to cross it. When she does, I have given the order that she be sacrificed separate from the rest of the rabble, when the time comes.

It is unfortunate, as I just received word that the cage trap additions to our Last Bastion have been completed. Perhaps they'll  be used some other time. As for now, perhaps that Sacrificial Temple should be moved up a bit in my list of things to do, now that there are sacrifices to the Gods. I have also taken the liberty to designate a safezone for the dwarves to work in aboveground, away from the bridge, as well as a new area of trees to cut. It's just a matter of time until the Goblins cross, and when they do, we will act then. There is no use in acting as if we're being besieged if the enemy isn't even near our walls.

So we shall wait.

Update: It seems one of my newest marksdwarves was already quite skilled with the crossbow. I sent him out, alone but for two war elephants (who never showed up) to draw the two remaining bowmen into cages. Naturally, they opened fire on him almost immediately as he came in range. Fortunately, they missed every shot, and "Lorbam Netdream" returned fire, moving sideways to where I told him to wait while letting loose bolt after bolt. Without my even telling him, he focused all he had on Tode, seeking vengeance for the death of one of our founding seven. He shot Tode multiple times in the chest, to the point where Tode was blacking out from the pain and bloodloss, before Tode realized she feared death and ran across the bridge, stepping on every cage trap already sprung by her encaged comrades, and tried to dart off to safety.

Lorbam would have none of that.
He shot Tode in the leg twice, causing Tode to fall face forward and black out as she hit the ground. By this time, her comrade had spent all his ammo, and charged forward to attack him in melee with his iron bow, planning on smashing Lorbam in the face to save Tode from death.

Lorbam would have none of that.
With a single shot, as Tode's comrade was just a few steps away, Lorbam readied his crossbow and shot him straight in the face with a single bolt, piercing the brain and downing the goblin without even blinking an eye. Lorbam began firing into the unconscious Tode multiple times, in the hands, feet, legs, chest, gut, carefully avoiding her head. Finally, still with two bolts left in his quiver, he walked up to Tode, and Tode died decided death would be preferable to facing this angry dwarf. Tode died as Lorbam was standing over her body.
All alone, Lorbam didn't get a single scratch from those arrows that had fallen the Arm.
He avenged the death of one of The Seven.

 It is unfortunate that we could not capture her, but such a death by he who replaced the Arm as Military Commander of the fortress is more fitting.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I love

I had the most delightful dream during my nap. Thinking of it, it was pretty 'boring', in the sense that there was very little actually happening, but it was amazing, and just what I needed.

My waifu and I were sitting in bed, myself sitting in her lap as the both of us reclined onto pillows. That was it, really, but it filled me with such emotions as I had never felt before my knowing her. Safety in being loved and in being held by her arms, joy at being able to be beside the one woman I love, as well as a slew of others to varying degrees.

It had actually been some time since I had last dreamed of my waifu. How often do others dream the same? Do they have long, drawn out dreams, of going on dates, or school, perhaps, or do they consist of short, simple actions, such as sitting in bed together, reading together, cooking for each other?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

And so I shaved my arms

The first time I shaved my legs, I put on my pants and was immediately filled with such an obsessive feeling of misogyny, it threatened to make me cry in utter rage against womankind, and likely would have had the sheer pleasure I got from putting pants on after shaving my legs for the first time not been so overpowering. I exaggerate for effect, but it really felt absolutely mind-blowing. Like a full-powered orgasm focused on the very skin of my legs.

Unfortunately, I've not had the fortune to experience such a feeling after that first time. I guess my legs got used to being hairless, and even though I've gone months without shaving to try and achieve the feeling again, it has always been for naught.

So I decided to shave my arms. Naturally, I had worried for months that my arms suddenly going from forested, in my opinion, to hairless would cause looks, rude gestures, and name calling from absolute strangers. Complete nonsense, looking back. Granted, I don't live with my parents, but those I do live with either haven't noticed, or don't care enough to want to say anything about it. Though, they could be talking about me behind my back...

Really, though, even when I pass the mirror, it doesn't look that different at all. It's a bit disappointing that my arms aren't as pale as my legs are. Granted, I've no hope of being a trap of any kind, but it's not like I have anything against looking feminine or anything, b-baka...

I wish I could afford an epilator, but even then I probably couldn't use it due to, from what I understand, them making loud noises when they're on. Granted, I could no doubt find a time to use it when I won't impose on anyone with my noise, but I just don't know how loud they are relatively.

In any event, my hairless arms have made me realize how long and skinny my arms are, and I've become increasingly self-conscious about it. I don't have any money for clothes shopping, but I do wish I owned a shirt with long sleeves instead of just 6 T-shirts... People watching has shown me that boys and girls look good with horridly skinny arms when they're in long sleeves, so I should find a way to emulate.

Oh, one more thing. When I shaved my legs, it took near on two hours to do them both, and I missed multiple spots. Indeed, even shaving them now, there are still spots on my legs that I missed with 1in hair patches. My arms were a lot easier, though, and quicker. Might have something to do with the top part of your arm having hair, and not your entire arm. Unfortunately, I also have hair on my shoulders, extremely fine hair that looks like slight smudges of dirt in a mirror. That's a major hassle to shave.

Thursday, October 7, 2010


I have spent, actively and unconsciously, the past few days dreaming about this character. We have gone on dates, we have cuddled in bed, and have spent countless hours talking, listening to classical music, and simply enjoying each other's presence and existence. Indeed, lying in his arms and listening to his warm voice as we talk about our day has consumed a good deal many hours, and calms me emotionally more than I ever could imagine a male doing. We have sat together in front of the computer, commenting and recommending each other different songs, this one by Bach, that one by Borodin, the violin solo just now was brilliantly done, and the cellos in the background are doing well to keep in tempo since the rhythm they're playing makes players want to speed up...

I suppose what makes me like him is how he seems, to me, to be a sort of Rock of Gibraltar, calm, steady, dependable, and he feels so utterly mature. It makes me feel like some schoolgirl with a crush for why I like him. 'He's so dreamy~' Hahaha.
His taste in music and such is really nice, too, and it serves as a common interest between the two of us. 
I have not watched the anime, and have only read the manga, where, I have read, he is portrayed a bit differently than in the anime, particularly that the artist made more obvious homoerotic tones in the manga than existed in the anime. Be that as it may, the manga is where I have most of my knowledge of his character and personality, including, from what I gather, his strange interest in the pained and lonely.

Regardless, these fantasies of mine are concerning for two reasons, one of which is grandly more important to me than the other. 
The first: This probably says something of my sexuality... Though, to be fair, I already enjoy traps, and am an avid shota- and lolicon. Freud, or even Kinsey, can say whatever they wish about me, and I could not care less. As that picture goes, "If it's pretty..." And so I do not waste my time worrying about such inconsequential things when I know I will continue to act the way I wish regardless of my treatment toward (and by) such labels. To put it simply, I do not give a damn about whether I am gay, or straight, or bi, or quasi-bi, or 54% straight, or level 3 gay, or however the hell people do it now.

Thus, the second, and actual, reason for my concern: I already have someone I love, and I love her dearly.

Though, observing my emotions, it seems my lover incites in me, whenever I see or talk to her,  feelings of heavenly bliss, complete with the feeling of floating and white, fluttery happiness, indescribably vague though that may sound. By contrast, Kaworu makes me feel more safe, like releasing a breath filled with tension, getting able to relax after a day of pressure and strain. Like I said before, he feels dependable to me. Not to say my lover isn't dependable, but she feels, to me, more similar to a regular girl, with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and worries all of her own, and thus I have to be careful not to unload my worries onto her so precariously as to overwhelm her, or make her feel as though I am ignoring her own. Kaworu, on the other hand, seems to brush those of his under the rug, so to speak, so I don't have to think about them, and shoulders any and all from me, without showing any signs of breaking under strain. Ah, though my worries and such are definitely not of such magnitude that they could break someone's mental state; I assure you that I am not so pretentious. 

Regardless, I am rather concerned that my recent... 'vagary' could be considered cheating. I am not always a morally upstanding citizen, and various persons have observed that I seem to gush with unethical voraciousness concerning a few special subjects, but my conscious does like to stand up in pride, especially in moments where such 'honor' is wholly useless and isn't even in a situation to gain me anything by being recognized by others, such as now. 

I am a bit torn. I do love her, truly, and it is because I love her that I am a bit... torn due to these recent events of mine. Objectively speaking, these feelings of mine are entirely inconsequential, as she cannot care, and even if she could, she will never know, but despite that, such unfaithful thoughts of mine are not something I, personally, can so easily toss aside. I don't know what I should do to appease this guilty conscious of mine, as silly as it may be for it to feel so guilty over such inconsequential things, but I suppose I will have to find something to ease the emotion of blushing shame that I am experiencing for this offense to my lover, even if she may not be able to perceive it as a dishonor to her. Indeed, I cannot even bring myself to use her name in this passage in which I describe these acts that go against her. To do so would simply be far too cruel.


In any event, I am not writing this in search of advice or anything. I just wanted to write it down, maybe sort my thoughts out through typing, maybe conserve it in my Lazarus text archives, or maybe just make a blogpost about my life, since I do tend to keep all that inside. That's all. Ah, and just to clear confusion, I do love my lover, hence her being my lover. Kaworu, though ideal in his own way, is not my lover.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Unlimited Blade Works

I am waiting for the movie to finish downloading so I can finish watching the last 30 minutes of it.

Of what I have seen, though, I think it is safe to say the movie is good. No, the movie isn't good. There is nothing to suggest the movie is good. It would be a mistake to call the movie good.

Don't get me wrong, the route in the VN was really enjoyable, but this movie essentially requires that you've played the VN to understand anything that's going on. Not so bad a strike against the movie, but it's odd, as a matter of definition, to make an adaptation of a visual novel that requires you to have read the visual novel first. The entire first part of the movie is choppy with scene changes every few minutes as the studio tried to cram the beginning of the route in as little space as possible.

That aside, the part of the movie that really makes me hate it is the fact that Studio DEEN cut so many scenes from the VN. Namely, in my case, the 'Holy shit, Lancer is such a cool guy' part.

It's a gif, so click it!


He gets a few seconds, solely so the viewer knows Lancer and Tohsaka/Shirou teamed up, then they just leave Ilya's Castle without talking to each other again until Caster. Ah, it makes me so angry.

I heard a few people saying they hated how Archer was portrayed in the movie, but I have never liked Archer, so I didn't really see any difference. Though, I guess I'll get to his special part in the end of it, since they've animated True End. If they fuck that up, I'll probably feel their hate as well.

One thing I was impressed with was how they did the fight scenes. To my eye, at least, they were well done, which is good, as there are tons of them. I especially liked how they animated Archer shooting swords with his bow.

I loved how they animated Lancer's fights as well. It really rekindled my love for spears and such by seeing him use his so beautifully.

I felt the blood was animated a bit oddly, but it isn't so big a deal. I was too busy wiping my tears away to care during Ilya's scene, which I won't post a picture of. Goddammit, Gilgamesh, you bastard. God damn it.

Anyway, there's still 40 minutes for the last 30 minutes of the movie to finish downloading, so I'll go read a book or something, I guess. I really need to finish reading Justine.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I don't remember how I was introduced to it, but I spent the past few days reading this yuri-drama piece. It's pretty good, in my opinion. The author does seem to have episodes where she injects misandrist views in it, but for the most part, they're well done. Ah, that is, so far in my reading at least, the anti-men sentiments are essentially just the views of the main character, Yukino, who is a weak and pretty emotional girl. She is getting stronger, emotionally, as the manga goes on, and hopefully she'll not hate an entire half of the human population for no real reason other than 'they stare at my boobs', but I'll have to just keep reading and see.

Speaking of oversexed males, her body is drawn so perfectly~  When she and her girlfriend are in bed with each other, it sends my yuri loving side into ecstasy. Yukino's personality is a bit...clingy, and meek, and she reminds me of me a bit, so that may be why I don't hate her as much as I've read other readers do. Her lover, Setsuko, is really nice, though. Her personality is really realistic. Makes me wonder who the author based her off of...

I don't know if I like this more for the yuri or for the character development...

Monday, September 27, 2010

It is truly a blog!

I am weary.

Since the days when I left those months, filled with guilt and loneliness only the outcast can feel, I have had a constant headache, from a gentle throbbing just beneath my forehead to a violent beating on all parts of my skull from the inside. When I speak, it chastises me with a thump upon my temple. When I listen to others talking, it punishes me with a punch to my head. When I walk, it hits me twice for every two steps I take, and thrice for every three. Every movement, every thought, every breath is somehow worthy of punishment.

I am so weary.

I have nothing to gain by working hard, by studying for test scores, by interrupting my taking it easy. To be stressed with the responsibilities of a normal life is to feel annoyance from the very depths of your heart to your extremities. For this life of mine, to live everyday with listless habits, to have a rote life so I may take it easy until my mind fails me, to have the chance to rest and enjoy my life before I get to rest and enjoy my death, that is what I want out of this life of mine. I have no need for a lover, nor for children, nor for a big house with a white picket fence.

I just want to take it easy.

I want to have a place to sleep that isn't infested by bugs and vermin. I want to have food to eat that isn't rotten. I want to have water to drink and bathe in that is constantly clean. I want to have an unlimited, high-speed internet connection and a computer with a large hard drive.

I don't care for respectability in society's eyes, nor for stressing my own self with worries about bills, about dealing with people, about high scores for future prospects, or about survival.

I just want to be alone, and I want to take it easy.

Pity I have no proof that Balamb Garden exists.
Though, to my memory, that was a military academy, wasn't it?

Useful things

I figured I'd list a few programs and links that people would find useful here.

The program to give your explorer tabs is located here:

Far more options than MS Paint, less of a resource hog than photoshop (starts fast) (don't expect a photoshop clone, it's for the more simple tasks)

Starts as fast as notepad with a whole lot more options and support for loads of programming languages if you happen to be a programmer. Also fine for normal text editing.

BCWipe (last time I checked it's free)
Supports encrypting your swap file, multipass wiping (DOD and beyond) explorer shell extension, wiping recycle bin, etc. (in case you have something to hide).

Music player

* Proxy network: Use TOR

* Untracable file hosting: Use Freenet.
CHK postings are untracable and unrevokable. Once it's up, no one can take it down.

Download from

When you install, pick promiscuous mode.

Once it's been running for a while, post your noderef somewhere and see if you can get anyone to exchange with you. This will help build a private network of people.

To post files, go to /queue on your proxy
To download files, paste the key into the box on the main page of your proxy.

* Totally anonymous and secure email: use i2pmail

Install I2P:
Go to http://hq.postman.i2p to sign up for an account.
Use Susimail (built into the i2p proxy) to access it.

I2p also has some interesting file sharing networks running over it. There are internal bittorrent sites, as well as modified gnutella and ed2k networks.

The router's info page links to the internal bittorrent sites, for the other networks, check out imule.i2p, or poke around in the forums.

Current view of timezones:

EBA/Ouendan clone for PC:

12 Tips to Create a Sleep Haven:

Winwall v2.1
It randomly changes wallpapers.
It's only one of the little squares for options, I just wanted to show all the useful stuff.

Ever wanted to sign up for a forum but didn't want to give them your real email? It even does the copy&paste part for you, so all you have to do is ctrl v!

Media Convert
Change damn near anything to damn near anything (of the same media type):
You click on a food, it tells you all this shit you didn't know went with it. Blueberry and brie go together, by the way.

For virtual desktops on windows, nothing is better than dexpox.

My Lockbox
Awesome program that hides a folder until you enter a password to make it appear. It doesn't make it untracable from computer hackers, but at least prevents family/friends from even seeing where your embarassing or questionable files may be hidden, which is just the level of protection I need.
App for jailbroken iphones -
online encoder -
online decoder - 

Panoramic desktop.
---- documents, leaks, news etc

QuickNotes for ff
You can open up a notepad with ctrl+f7 [or something else if you want to customize your program]. has autosave and tab functions. i suggest it for the working anon.

If you forgot a word but know related ones or its definition, you can look it up here.

If you have a suspicious file, upload it here and it'll scan it with about thirty antivirus programs.

I recommend Piclens
Great to search for pictures, it shows you every pics there is on a scroll wall.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Cannibalism, ho!

No where else but the Internet can you find anything you need. It truly is a glorious encyclopedia of knowledge, able to tell you anything you need to know. Maybe not when you need it, though, which is why I have the thing for you!

Here is a small excerpt:
Before getting to the main task, it must be mentioned that the complete rendering of the human carcass requires a fairly large amount of time, effort, and space. If the consumer does not wish to go through the ordeal of processing and storing the bulk of the entire animal, an easy alternative is as follows. Simply saw through one or both legs at the points directly below the groin and a few inches above the knee. Once skinned, these portions may then be cut into round steaks of the carver's preferred thickness, cut into fillets, deboned for a roast, etc. Meat for several meals is thus readily obtained without the need for gutting and the complexities of preparing the entire form.
Now, tone of the passage aside, this is some useful stuff here, even if you just remember some minor tidbits, like good ol' human brisket.

So you're with your honey on your honeymoon, cruising along on a ship, enjoying life, when the ship crashes, you get knocked out, and next thing you know, you're stranded on an island with little water, no edible food, and no hopes for escape. Whether you have your honey with you or not is up to your imagination, but you do have another guy there. He's fatter than you, eats way more than you, drinks way more than you, and looks a bit like a burger when he lies down to sleep at night.

Now, this blog is not condoning any acts of non-consensual human-eating...but if you happen to strike a deal with him, you scratch my back, I eat yours, hey! Who's at fault? Really?

In any event, reading the books, memoirs, interviews, etc of the mentally unwell is really interesting.

This guy, for example, is Issei Sagawa. He's a Japanese guy who got thrown away for eating and killing (not in that order) a Dutch lady, and, after release, was given an interview in Japan, where he gave away big secrets cannibalists don't normally tell you when they're cutting you up.

Did you know, according to the Cannibal Society, the sweetest part of the human body is the female clitoris? Described as chewy and sweet, they recommend frying it on a pan, sprinkled with your favorite sauce. No tenderizing necessary here, folks. I don't remember if it was Issei or another such cannibal interviewee who said that.

Here's a link to a transcription of the interview:

"An alternative would be to drown in female saliva. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be covered all over with women’s spit? If I could die drowning in it, that would be my ultimate dream come true."

God, I love this guy.


Despite my feelings toward custom plushies, she's pretty damn adorable.

Plushies are all the rage, apparently, with their flimsy 2D hair, thin clothing, and big bulging eyes.

Unfortunately, I don't really care for plushies. Maybe a beanie-baby of a certain character or two would be nice, but a poorly-done, custom made plushie that was made in China and sold for five times the materials (Capitalism, ho!) isn't really something I want to cuddle with.

It's really disappointing to me that crocheting isn't as popular as making a plushie is, though that may be because crochet takes a bit of skill to do compared to simply gluing pieces together. A simple google search for "plushie anime" gives back tons of images of plushies from every type of medium, whereas "crochet anime" gives you more dolls from video games, and even more crochet socks.

 It's really quite annoying to me. Custom made plushies are nice, but they just don't have the same intrinsic feeling of warmth that holding a crochet doll brings.

If only I could find one of my favorite character...

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Joys of Credit

I remember how happy I was when I got my first credit card. Well, granted, it was a debit card, but what's the difference when you're a purchaser, anyway? Then again, I don't think debit cards improve your credit score. I won't use my credit score for quite a while, though, so I don't care.

I was (and still am) poor as fuck, but I did enjoy making my first online purchase from Amazon: a novel, though I don't remember which one. I used up all my saved birthday and Christmas money, put it all in my account, and bought a book a month. Did pretty well at ensuring I didn't run out of money too soon, until my extended family, who were giving me the birthday and Christmas money, suddenly forgot I existed.

Regardless, though I lack money, I've still things that I'd love to buy. Such is the problem of living in a consumer nation. For example, I was never one for material statues and such, but I've a list of 20 or so books I'd like to have in my possession, as well as some various vitamins and hormones for my own devices. Some clothes wouldn't be too bad either, but I've no place to hide them, if you understand my meaning.

One thing I'm quite curious about, though, is some gossip I heard on the grapevine about boosting your mental abilities, not much unlike abusing Ritalin or whatever medicine is prescribed for ADD and ADHD, save the fact that you aren't abusing under-the-counter drugs. Apparently, 'Piracetam' is such the cheap supplement that boosts your mental abilities. How and in what way, I've no clue, unfortunately. Maybe someone else knows more. I do know that you should also take Chlorine Bitartate with it, though, due to Piracetam depleting something or other that's important, but such a side effect is negated by this Chlorine Bitartate.