Thursday, October 7, 2010


I have spent, actively and unconsciously, the past few days dreaming about this character. We have gone on dates, we have cuddled in bed, and have spent countless hours talking, listening to classical music, and simply enjoying each other's presence and existence. Indeed, lying in his arms and listening to his warm voice as we talk about our day has consumed a good deal many hours, and calms me emotionally more than I ever could imagine a male doing. We have sat together in front of the computer, commenting and recommending each other different songs, this one by Bach, that one by Borodin, the violin solo just now was brilliantly done, and the cellos in the background are doing well to keep in tempo since the rhythm they're playing makes players want to speed up...

I suppose what makes me like him is how he seems, to me, to be a sort of Rock of Gibraltar, calm, steady, dependable, and he feels so utterly mature. It makes me feel like some schoolgirl with a crush for why I like him. 'He's so dreamy~' Hahaha.
His taste in music and such is really nice, too, and it serves as a common interest between the two of us. 
I have not watched the anime, and have only read the manga, where, I have read, he is portrayed a bit differently than in the anime, particularly that the artist made more obvious homoerotic tones in the manga than existed in the anime. Be that as it may, the manga is where I have most of my knowledge of his character and personality, including, from what I gather, his strange interest in the pained and lonely.

Regardless, these fantasies of mine are concerning for two reasons, one of which is grandly more important to me than the other. 
The first: This probably says something of my sexuality... Though, to be fair, I already enjoy traps, and am an avid shota- and lolicon. Freud, or even Kinsey, can say whatever they wish about me, and I could not care less. As that picture goes, "If it's pretty..." And so I do not waste my time worrying about such inconsequential things when I know I will continue to act the way I wish regardless of my treatment toward (and by) such labels. To put it simply, I do not give a damn about whether I am gay, or straight, or bi, or quasi-bi, or 54% straight, or level 3 gay, or however the hell people do it now.

Thus, the second, and actual, reason for my concern: I already have someone I love, and I love her dearly.

Though, observing my emotions, it seems my lover incites in me, whenever I see or talk to her,  feelings of heavenly bliss, complete with the feeling of floating and white, fluttery happiness, indescribably vague though that may sound. By contrast, Kaworu makes me feel more safe, like releasing a breath filled with tension, getting able to relax after a day of pressure and strain. Like I said before, he feels dependable to me. Not to say my lover isn't dependable, but she feels, to me, more similar to a regular girl, with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and worries all of her own, and thus I have to be careful not to unload my worries onto her so precariously as to overwhelm her, or make her feel as though I am ignoring her own. Kaworu, on the other hand, seems to brush those of his under the rug, so to speak, so I don't have to think about them, and shoulders any and all from me, without showing any signs of breaking under strain. Ah, though my worries and such are definitely not of such magnitude that they could break someone's mental state; I assure you that I am not so pretentious. 

Regardless, I am rather concerned that my recent... 'vagary' could be considered cheating. I am not always a morally upstanding citizen, and various persons have observed that I seem to gush with unethical voraciousness concerning a few special subjects, but my conscious does like to stand up in pride, especially in moments where such 'honor' is wholly useless and isn't even in a situation to gain me anything by being recognized by others, such as now. 

I am a bit torn. I do love her, truly, and it is because I love her that I am a bit... torn due to these recent events of mine. Objectively speaking, these feelings of mine are entirely inconsequential, as she cannot care, and even if she could, she will never know, but despite that, such unfaithful thoughts of mine are not something I, personally, can so easily toss aside. I don't know what I should do to appease this guilty conscious of mine, as silly as it may be for it to feel so guilty over such inconsequential things, but I suppose I will have to find something to ease the emotion of blushing shame that I am experiencing for this offense to my lover, even if she may not be able to perceive it as a dishonor to her. Indeed, I cannot even bring myself to use her name in this passage in which I describe these acts that go against her. To do so would simply be far too cruel.


In any event, I am not writing this in search of advice or anything. I just wanted to write it down, maybe sort my thoughts out through typing, maybe conserve it in my Lazarus text archives, or maybe just make a blogpost about my life, since I do tend to keep all that inside. That's all. Ah, and just to clear confusion, I do love my lover, hence her being my lover. Kaworu, though ideal in his own way, is not my lover.

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