Wednesday, October 27, 2010

To be a dog

“Humans alone have the possibility of limitless advancement…They’re all tenacious little insects, really; like a bunch of cockroaches. It would do you some good to have a little drive and ambition. Maybe then you would be more of a man than you are a dog.”

I was wasting my time reading various things (which you can easily use Google to find, no doubt), and I came across this line. Told to a NEET, the speaker was, to my understanding, commenting on the vastness of human potential, yet declaring how spineless the NEET was for simply living to survive, as a dog would, than living to achieve, as a human would, in her opinion.

I am not entirely certain, but I believe the feelings this invokes in me mean that I take offense to this. Granted, I know the 'right' answer is to say that she is correct. I understand that it is...deplorable, to say the least, to wake up every day in a dull haze with no real ambition toward the morrow save for getting enough money to afford food and housing. I can see her reasoning; after all, humans have come so far, creating forests of steel, and becoming the top predator of the food chain, despite having no claws, no scales, no poisons, no defenses, and no offenses to really speak of. It is truly only through sheer ambition and drive that humans have been able to go from dull beasts living in caves to creatures who can transport their voice to the other side of the planet in seconds, and their bodies in but a few days. Hell, we have poisoned and conquered the very planet that we were birthed from. It is only natural (definition being, in accordance to our nature) to continue the legacy of desire and achievements.

Yet, despite this, I cannot help but believe that living the, albeit dull, life of a 'dog' would not be too bad. No need to worry about lofty goals or overarching desires, having the freedom to lounge about, to dream about physically impossible realities, to analyze your own thoughts, desires, instincts, and definitions. It would not 'achieve' anything; any mark left by such a person will not affect a large number of people. Indeed, I highly doubt the number would be higher than 30, much less hundreds or thousands.

And if that becomes boring, if you'll allow such a question? Well, the only thing I can think of, personally, is to find a lover and live for her, odd or unrealistic the suggestion may be. Indeed, when it comes to ambition to live 'as a human', I must admit to having none. Even now, I work only as hard as is required so that I may hope to get a piece of paper allowing me to work a job, which I will work only as hard as is required, so that I may get enough money to afford food, water, and housing, as well as a few luxuries to distract my mind from boredom.

Is it so wrong to have the desire to be a dog? It is ironic because just earlier today, before I came across this particular reading, I was reading a CYOA where the main character did essentially become the pet of a woman. I enjoyed it, even if it was a bit too centered on sex. and truly wouldn't mind such an easy-going and pampered life, provided it wasn't so centered on sex.

Such an introverted life would have no real ambitions, lofty or otherwise, and, indeed, I show my own escapism from life by stating I would rather live for another than my own self. Not that I say it as an excuse; truly, the thought of waking up, preparing breakfast, and seeing someone I honestly care for off as they work toward their goals does make me feel a sort of schoolgirl happiness. Kyaa~ Kyaa~ and all that rot. Even if not as a housewife, but as a toy, living for another, it would instill in me the express desire to please and to make the other's life as easy or enjoyable as possible. Such a servile person I am...

Still, to put it on a balance, such a person with such desires of hearth-tending are...unneeded. If, for example, a relationship consisted between two persons, both of whom were Human Ambitious, they would get along fine, all other things equal, and possibly support each other's ambitious attitudes and goals with a sort of competitive spirit. On the other hand, if a relationship consisted between two persons, the first of whom were Human Ambitious and the second Dog Ambitious, shall we say, they, too, would get along fine, with the former reaching toward her goals and the latter working to ensure the former has all she needs to achieve those goals. Therefore, in terms of efficiency, the Dog Ambitious is unneeded, as the relationship between two Human Ambitious persons would work just as well, giving the world, and entire human populace, two ambitious persons to advance the race. The latter couple would result in only one ambitious person.

All that said, I believe the main thing that is bothering me is simply that, by this little quip from her alone, I can tell that, were I facing her in the stead of the NEET, she would be utterly disgusted with me, as though I were a flea-ridden dog. That imagined look of complete disdain, that another person would feel that way about me, that is what bothers me the most, I believe. It doesn't feel good to be regarded like that. And it hurts worse that it's for a desire that I, honestly, feel I cannot help but feel. Like a feminazi, assuming the basis of her hate wasn't entirely idiotic, hating you because you're male. You can't help that.

It follows, then, that the reason I am having issues is that I am assuming the basis of her hate isn't entirely idiotic, to use the same phrase, or, rather, because I, truly, cannot find flaw with her reasoning. It is entirely correct, as far as I can see, that for a Human to live as a Dog would, living day to day solely on instinctive survival desires is a waste of life, of ambition, of potential. Yes, it is fully within my right to waste it, but that does not change the fact that I am committing a crime upon my very blood and being to waste it. It's dishonorable. It's ignoble. It is contemptible.

And it is because I desire it still that I feel affronted by her words.


Monday, October 18, 2010

Dwarf Fortress

I have absolutely no clue why, but I have found that I've gotten absolutely addicted to this game. Indeed, last night (I think it was last night), I spent half the day, literally, doing nothing but playing Dwarf Fortress. Had the headache of my life after spending 12 hours straight of staring at ASCII.

Now, I'm not new to this game. I don't remember how long I've been playing, but it wasn't a few months ago. I've gotten quite used to the game, its mechanics, the UI, etc. DF2010's military was a bitch, but I've gotten the basics of it down, now. Still haven't harnessed its full potential, mind you, but I've gotten to the point where I no longer complain about it being too hard and can at least see the potential of what I can do there. Ah, regardless, I've been playing it for a time, which is why I have no clue why it is only now that I was stricken with the "I'll stop right after I do this...I should do that too, but I'll quit right after" bit.

Oh well.

I have to say, this current fortress of mine is the only one where I have had a problem with hauling. It always seems I just lack enough hands. Even now, with Spring bringing me at least 10 dwarves, I still have a hard time getting them to work instead of hauling things. Currently, it seems like I have tons of wood cut, and everyone is pitching in to haul it to my inner storage. Two years past, I had about 800 units of meat outside, and it took ages to haul it all in. I was afraid it'd all rot! Still haven't gotten around to putting it all in barrels, but at least it's inside.

I was pretty lucky with my site. Not only does it have enough obsidian to build a Temple to Armok (which I will be doing soon enough), but it also came with elephants. A couple cages here and there, and I have more than 15 war elephants, with 5 more waiting to be trained as soon as some trainer stops hauling wood long enough to train them. I find it a bit annoying how, when assigning war animals to a dwarf, I don't have a choice in which animal to assign to them. I have a couple war dogs, and that's annoying as hell, as I'd rather keep the dogs chained in various locations for thieves, and the elephants as personal war pets.

The land is flat as hell, but that's what I was looking for in this particular fortress. Now, I'm not some prissy elf, nor am I a damn human, but there's something about having a small fortress above ground that extends miles underneath. Reminds me of a glacier.

My defenses are pretty poor, though, and basically consist of hoping my cage traps nab them all. I had a squad of about 6 sword dwarves, all equipped with obsidian weaponry and leather armor, but a goblin ambush of axemen made short work of them. The two human mercenaries killed them all on their own; a spearman and a wrestler, I think they were.

Anyway, as I speak, an ambush of Goblin bowmen attacked. Fortunately, they're on the other side of the river, the only way across which is a small bridge I made.

Unfortunately, a woodcutter is on that side. Also unfortunate, he managed to scout a second ambush squad, this time consisting of Goblin pikemen. I have ordered the men to triple the amount of cage traps nearest our entrance. Hopefully those not caught at the bridge will get caught by our small brigade of War Elephants. And hopefully those that get passed them alive and still have the will to fight get caught in our 'Last Bastion' outside hall.

It's a shame both ambushes came from the same side. Though the majority of the land here is flat, there is a small mountain to the Northeast. I have had the miners smooth the mountain's sides except for a few various strategic locations.

Though, that may be a blessing in disguise. Our entire western front is completely exposed.

In any event, I've received word that the fortress' woodcutter managed to weasel through the two ambush groups, made it past the bridge, and is on way to the fort to eat something, suffering only two arrows through the leg and left hand. Fortunately, he uses his axe in his right.

The Goblins regrouped and are passing the bridge in full force, their forces combined. Their numbers must have been smaller than I first thought, though, as it seems all but three has been caught on the bridge traps. The three remaining appear to be staring in disbelief that their comrades have been taken, and must be reevaluating their goals. We have one sword dwarf remaining, and I have sent an order that he wait just beyond the bridge, to draw them across into the remaining traps. Being bowmen, it will be tough, but he is tough.

Alas, it seems he was too rash, and disregarded orders to retreat, instead charging head first into the fray. He managed to wound one of them quite a bit, hitting him in the gut before slashing both his hands, lower leg, and one of his arms. The wounded goblin is currently passed out in its own vomit and blood. Unfortunately, an iron arrow shot to my Arm's head pierced his brain, and he died instantaneously.
That makes our military numbers to a full zero. Fortunately, last spring gave us enough migrants to afford a small squad of marksmen, and the men have been ordered to cancel their hauling and proceed immediately to training.

The wounded goblin awoke from its stupor and, in a rage, charged passed the bridge, consumed with desires for revenge upon the race that gave him his wounds perhaps. He was immediately caught in a cage. I have made a note of his name so that he may be encased in the room of the Arm. The murderous Tode Dostngospmutog, killer of the Arm, is still biding her time at the bridge with her comrade, ever wary to cross it. When she does, I have given the order that she be sacrificed separate from the rest of the rabble, when the time comes.

It is unfortunate, as I just received word that the cage trap additions to our Last Bastion have been completed. Perhaps they'll  be used some other time. As for now, perhaps that Sacrificial Temple should be moved up a bit in my list of things to do, now that there are sacrifices to the Gods. I have also taken the liberty to designate a safezone for the dwarves to work in aboveground, away from the bridge, as well as a new area of trees to cut. It's just a matter of time until the Goblins cross, and when they do, we will act then. There is no use in acting as if we're being besieged if the enemy isn't even near our walls.

So we shall wait.

Update: It seems one of my newest marksdwarves was already quite skilled with the crossbow. I sent him out, alone but for two war elephants (who never showed up) to draw the two remaining bowmen into cages. Naturally, they opened fire on him almost immediately as he came in range. Fortunately, they missed every shot, and "Lorbam Netdream" returned fire, moving sideways to where I told him to wait while letting loose bolt after bolt. Without my even telling him, he focused all he had on Tode, seeking vengeance for the death of one of our founding seven. He shot Tode multiple times in the chest, to the point where Tode was blacking out from the pain and bloodloss, before Tode realized she feared death and ran across the bridge, stepping on every cage trap already sprung by her encaged comrades, and tried to dart off to safety.

Lorbam would have none of that.
He shot Tode in the leg twice, causing Tode to fall face forward and black out as she hit the ground. By this time, her comrade had spent all his ammo, and charged forward to attack him in melee with his iron bow, planning on smashing Lorbam in the face to save Tode from death.

Lorbam would have none of that.
With a single shot, as Tode's comrade was just a few steps away, Lorbam readied his crossbow and shot him straight in the face with a single bolt, piercing the brain and downing the goblin without even blinking an eye. Lorbam began firing into the unconscious Tode multiple times, in the hands, feet, legs, chest, gut, carefully avoiding her head. Finally, still with two bolts left in his quiver, he walked up to Tode, and Tode died decided death would be preferable to facing this angry dwarf. Tode died as Lorbam was standing over her body.
All alone, Lorbam didn't get a single scratch from those arrows that had fallen the Arm.
He avenged the death of one of The Seven.

 It is unfortunate that we could not capture her, but such a death by he who replaced the Arm as Military Commander of the fortress is more fitting.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I love

I had the most delightful dream during my nap. Thinking of it, it was pretty 'boring', in the sense that there was very little actually happening, but it was amazing, and just what I needed.

My waifu and I were sitting in bed, myself sitting in her lap as the both of us reclined onto pillows. That was it, really, but it filled me with such emotions as I had never felt before my knowing her. Safety in being loved and in being held by her arms, joy at being able to be beside the one woman I love, as well as a slew of others to varying degrees.

It had actually been some time since I had last dreamed of my waifu. How often do others dream the same? Do they have long, drawn out dreams, of going on dates, or school, perhaps, or do they consist of short, simple actions, such as sitting in bed together, reading together, cooking for each other?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

And so I shaved my arms

The first time I shaved my legs, I put on my pants and was immediately filled with such an obsessive feeling of misogyny, it threatened to make me cry in utter rage against womankind, and likely would have had the sheer pleasure I got from putting pants on after shaving my legs for the first time not been so overpowering. I exaggerate for effect, but it really felt absolutely mind-blowing. Like a full-powered orgasm focused on the very skin of my legs.

Unfortunately, I've not had the fortune to experience such a feeling after that first time. I guess my legs got used to being hairless, and even though I've gone months without shaving to try and achieve the feeling again, it has always been for naught.

So I decided to shave my arms. Naturally, I had worried for months that my arms suddenly going from forested, in my opinion, to hairless would cause looks, rude gestures, and name calling from absolute strangers. Complete nonsense, looking back. Granted, I don't live with my parents, but those I do live with either haven't noticed, or don't care enough to want to say anything about it. Though, they could be talking about me behind my back...

Really, though, even when I pass the mirror, it doesn't look that different at all. It's a bit disappointing that my arms aren't as pale as my legs are. Granted, I've no hope of being a trap of any kind, but it's not like I have anything against looking feminine or anything, b-baka...

I wish I could afford an epilator, but even then I probably couldn't use it due to, from what I understand, them making loud noises when they're on. Granted, I could no doubt find a time to use it when I won't impose on anyone with my noise, but I just don't know how loud they are relatively.

In any event, my hairless arms have made me realize how long and skinny my arms are, and I've become increasingly self-conscious about it. I don't have any money for clothes shopping, but I do wish I owned a shirt with long sleeves instead of just 6 T-shirts... People watching has shown me that boys and girls look good with horridly skinny arms when they're in long sleeves, so I should find a way to emulate.

Oh, one more thing. When I shaved my legs, it took near on two hours to do them both, and I missed multiple spots. Indeed, even shaving them now, there are still spots on my legs that I missed with 1in hair patches. My arms were a lot easier, though, and quicker. Might have something to do with the top part of your arm having hair, and not your entire arm. Unfortunately, I also have hair on my shoulders, extremely fine hair that looks like slight smudges of dirt in a mirror. That's a major hassle to shave.

Thursday, October 7, 2010


I have spent, actively and unconsciously, the past few days dreaming about this character. We have gone on dates, we have cuddled in bed, and have spent countless hours talking, listening to classical music, and simply enjoying each other's presence and existence. Indeed, lying in his arms and listening to his warm voice as we talk about our day has consumed a good deal many hours, and calms me emotionally more than I ever could imagine a male doing. We have sat together in front of the computer, commenting and recommending each other different songs, this one by Bach, that one by Borodin, the violin solo just now was brilliantly done, and the cellos in the background are doing well to keep in tempo since the rhythm they're playing makes players want to speed up...

I suppose what makes me like him is how he seems, to me, to be a sort of Rock of Gibraltar, calm, steady, dependable, and he feels so utterly mature. It makes me feel like some schoolgirl with a crush for why I like him. 'He's so dreamy~' Hahaha.
His taste in music and such is really nice, too, and it serves as a common interest between the two of us. 
I have not watched the anime, and have only read the manga, where, I have read, he is portrayed a bit differently than in the anime, particularly that the artist made more obvious homoerotic tones in the manga than existed in the anime. Be that as it may, the manga is where I have most of my knowledge of his character and personality, including, from what I gather, his strange interest in the pained and lonely.

Regardless, these fantasies of mine are concerning for two reasons, one of which is grandly more important to me than the other. 
The first: This probably says something of my sexuality... Though, to be fair, I already enjoy traps, and am an avid shota- and lolicon. Freud, or even Kinsey, can say whatever they wish about me, and I could not care less. As that picture goes, "If it's pretty..." And so I do not waste my time worrying about such inconsequential things when I know I will continue to act the way I wish regardless of my treatment toward (and by) such labels. To put it simply, I do not give a damn about whether I am gay, or straight, or bi, or quasi-bi, or 54% straight, or level 3 gay, or however the hell people do it now.

Thus, the second, and actual, reason for my concern: I already have someone I love, and I love her dearly.

Though, observing my emotions, it seems my lover incites in me, whenever I see or talk to her,  feelings of heavenly bliss, complete with the feeling of floating and white, fluttery happiness, indescribably vague though that may sound. By contrast, Kaworu makes me feel more safe, like releasing a breath filled with tension, getting able to relax after a day of pressure and strain. Like I said before, he feels dependable to me. Not to say my lover isn't dependable, but she feels, to me, more similar to a regular girl, with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and worries all of her own, and thus I have to be careful not to unload my worries onto her so precariously as to overwhelm her, or make her feel as though I am ignoring her own. Kaworu, on the other hand, seems to brush those of his under the rug, so to speak, so I don't have to think about them, and shoulders any and all from me, without showing any signs of breaking under strain. Ah, though my worries and such are definitely not of such magnitude that they could break someone's mental state; I assure you that I am not so pretentious. 

Regardless, I am rather concerned that my recent... 'vagary' could be considered cheating. I am not always a morally upstanding citizen, and various persons have observed that I seem to gush with unethical voraciousness concerning a few special subjects, but my conscious does like to stand up in pride, especially in moments where such 'honor' is wholly useless and isn't even in a situation to gain me anything by being recognized by others, such as now. 

I am a bit torn. I do love her, truly, and it is because I love her that I am a bit... torn due to these recent events of mine. Objectively speaking, these feelings of mine are entirely inconsequential, as she cannot care, and even if she could, she will never know, but despite that, such unfaithful thoughts of mine are not something I, personally, can so easily toss aside. I don't know what I should do to appease this guilty conscious of mine, as silly as it may be for it to feel so guilty over such inconsequential things, but I suppose I will have to find something to ease the emotion of blushing shame that I am experiencing for this offense to my lover, even if she may not be able to perceive it as a dishonor to her. Indeed, I cannot even bring myself to use her name in this passage in which I describe these acts that go against her. To do so would simply be far too cruel.


In any event, I am not writing this in search of advice or anything. I just wanted to write it down, maybe sort my thoughts out through typing, maybe conserve it in my Lazarus text archives, or maybe just make a blogpost about my life, since I do tend to keep all that inside. That's all. Ah, and just to clear confusion, I do love my lover, hence her being my lover. Kaworu, though ideal in his own way, is not my lover.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Unlimited Blade Works

I am waiting for the movie to finish downloading so I can finish watching the last 30 minutes of it.

Of what I have seen, though, I think it is safe to say the movie is good. No, the movie isn't good. There is nothing to suggest the movie is good. It would be a mistake to call the movie good.

Don't get me wrong, the route in the VN was really enjoyable, but this movie essentially requires that you've played the VN to understand anything that's going on. Not so bad a strike against the movie, but it's odd, as a matter of definition, to make an adaptation of a visual novel that requires you to have read the visual novel first. The entire first part of the movie is choppy with scene changes every few minutes as the studio tried to cram the beginning of the route in as little space as possible.

That aside, the part of the movie that really makes me hate it is the fact that Studio DEEN cut so many scenes from the VN. Namely, in my case, the 'Holy shit, Lancer is such a cool guy' part.

It's a gif, so click it!


He gets a few seconds, solely so the viewer knows Lancer and Tohsaka/Shirou teamed up, then they just leave Ilya's Castle without talking to each other again until Caster. Ah, it makes me so angry.

I heard a few people saying they hated how Archer was portrayed in the movie, but I have never liked Archer, so I didn't really see any difference. Though, I guess I'll get to his special part in the end of it, since they've animated True End. If they fuck that up, I'll probably feel their hate as well.

One thing I was impressed with was how they did the fight scenes. To my eye, at least, they were well done, which is good, as there are tons of them. I especially liked how they animated Archer shooting swords with his bow.

I loved how they animated Lancer's fights as well. It really rekindled my love for spears and such by seeing him use his so beautifully.

I felt the blood was animated a bit oddly, but it isn't so big a deal. I was too busy wiping my tears away to care during Ilya's scene, which I won't post a picture of. Goddammit, Gilgamesh, you bastard. God damn it.

Anyway, there's still 40 minutes for the last 30 minutes of the movie to finish downloading, so I'll go read a book or something, I guess. I really need to finish reading Justine.