Regardless, I want to be cute. And I do not say this with as little regard as I would say, "I want to eat cookies," but with the gravity of a professor taken over by revelation on what he wishes to commit his life studying. Odd though the analogy may be.
I don't care what my sex or gender is, only that my body, stature, and face look, to my own subjective tastes, cute. I want to be cute, to wear cute clothes, to be treated, by those few who do deal with me, less by their conceptions of my gender as a man, and more by if they were dealing with a girl.
The reason I decided to type this up today is likely due to a dream I had just last night. It was of me being married to some faceless woman who I really didn't have any knowledge of other than she was a business lady and I was her househusband, and that she was a shotacon and yaoifangirl, despite her...age. In any event, in the dream, I was cute, and did all the housework in a cute maid uniform like the one below.
Feeling the air brush between my legs, the skirt sway with each step as I went about my daily routines, it was all very enjoyable...and enviable when I eventually woke up. Oh, that I could look like a cute girl, or at least be androgynous enough to pass quite well as either sex depending on my attire, it would likely give me a goal to work toward: to nourish the new-found narcissism.
I did imagine that this desire of mine was simply a succumbing to 2D 'perfection' and trying to apply said 2D Ideals onto an imperfect 3D world, but even with 3D girls, I find myself envious of their soft looks and feminine being.
Granted, when it comes to 3D, I'd much rather remain...noticeably young. Even if it would lose me a sex drive, I'd rather not go through puberty (as either sex, really, but never mind that) and remain the child. Makes me a bit envious of the immortals of fiction.
Now, thinking of it psychologically, I imagine that this is, perhaps, a way through which my ego is allowing my own submissive personality and tendencies to surface while coping with the gender roles I grew up with. Not to be an armchair psychologist, but simply as a way of trying to understand my own mind and desires, I believe that I am manifesting my desires to be, for lack of a better term, a submissive partner by superimposing them onto my beliefs of female gender roles. My enjoyment of feminine attire is simply my mind rationalizing by essentially saying, "If you want to be submissive, you must look the role, and, as Romans go to Gladiator fights for entertainment, if you wish to be Roman, you must enjoy a little gore." Or something like that. In any event, I don't want to rid myself of the desire, oddly enough, despite how depressed it may make me that I will never fulfill it. Indeed, even if it is 100% impossible to satisfy, I still believe I want to hold onto the vain hope that I might wake one day in a more ideal body. Not to say my own is detestable, but it is not ideal to me, you understand. Indeed, if I had some curves, was perhaps an inch or two shorter, and underwent a complete bone structure pubertal-reversal, removing my testosterone-made chin, broad shoulders, large hands, etc, then I would not be so displeased. Oh, my trachea is a bit large, too, so that would need to go as well.
In any event, this self-inquiry does nothing to help my desire to be the little girl, and, indeed, I can think of no way of fulfilling my desires satisfactorily. There's surgery, hallucinogenic drugs, and waiting for virtual reality to support a lifetime subscription/hook-in, all of which cost much beyond I could ever afford, and, even then, would give me less than acceptable results, for various reasons. I'd much rather call upon some omnipotent Goddess or Demon to grant my tiny wish, since they, at least, might have the ability to change my very bone structure, which is the greatest detriment to my desire. I wonder just what the extent of the power a certain gap demon possesses...and how painful it would be to employ her.