Thursday, April 21, 2011

A full circle?

At the current moment, I have, for a short time at least, achieved my goals stated in the fifth post on this site. That is to say, I am currently fortunate enough to possess a place to sleep that isn't infested by bugs and vermin, food to eat that isn't rotten, water to drink and bathe in that is constantly clean, and I have an unlimited, almost-high-speed internet connection and a computer with (two!) large hard drives.

And while I have been living in this utopia of my definition, I have been feeling nothing but apathy toward what interests I once held in quite high regard. Now, the reason for this confused me for quite some time. I could have played it to the adage that humans don't really want what they want, but that's despicable and I disagree with that heavily. So, instead, I did what I typically do when I want to figure something out about myself: I plunged into my usual form of escapism in hopes of not thinking about it until it came to me naturally. It doesn't make sense when I type it down, but it always feels like the best decision at the time. Honestly, it does.

In any event, it wasn't until a random song of Amagami's OST played in my media player that I realized why I was feeling depressed. I had made a mistake in what I said I previously desired, though I unintentionally corrected myself in other posts. I had originally said that I was fine with no lover, with the implication of the same lack of desire toward friends. Toward friends, I am still sure I do not need them, and don't really want any either, as I have always been, but I am quite lonely, it seems.

As a forewarning, I am not, and never have been, one of those who believe in "3DPD." While I do not judge those who hold to such a belief, my own experiences with people and love have not caused me such great pain as to swear them off entirely. Indeed, all my romantic experiences (the most advanced of which was my relation with a girl who I knew liked me, who everyone else knew she liked me and I liked her, and who even she knew I liked her, yet we did nothing but enjoy each others' company because we were too shy to make the first move. Or, at least, I was. I don't know about her, maybe she was waiting for me to "man up", as they say.), all my romantic experiences have left me with a rather enjoyable feeling of loving and being loved by a person who wasn't blood-related.

Actually, thinking about it, I can't even think of a bad experience that resulted from a romantic entanglement on my part. I always kept my distance so as to not get hurt, but got close enough to enjoy the feelings of being in love and being loved. Wow, I'm more of a coward than I originally held myself as.

Well, that aside, it is because of my experience (or lack of, perhaps) in love has always made me feel good that I believe I desire those feelings now. It is more difficult to explain feelings I've had begotten from love (or infatuation, if you wish) than I had originally thought. Still, to make an effort, the feeling of someone enjoying my company, coupled with the feeling of rapturous joy by simply being in the presence of the beloved is, I believe, the equation that I lack in my current life.

Assuming this is the case, and I have the equation correct, it is simply a matter of finding someone to fit that. That is to say, someone who enjoys my company and to whom I feel a sort of obsessive attachment towards. Both must be fulfilled, not just one and not the other, or else the result will be too unsteady. Then again, I suppose I could try my imagination to fulfill the first, though...It wouldn't hurt, probably. After all, being a shut-in doesn't give much in way of making acquaintances.

Of course, it could be that, as spoken in Honey and Clover, this  is just a wave of loneliness that will wash away after a while before coming back, then leaving again. Indeed, at the present moment, this could be one of those 'big waves' for all I know. Or it could be that, rather than a lover, I simply need someone I feel I can depend on who doesn't feel disgust toward me (Not that anyone I know does, openly at least). Hell, for that matter, I could be getting the whole source of my current despondency wrong entirely. Though, the only thing to do is try things at random and hope it goes away, I suppose.

Nonetheless, I must assure you that I do not regret my current lifestyle, in case I gave that impression. Humans always desire stagnation in one form or another, and I am no different. I just wish to tweak my own kind of peaceful life a bit, having mistakenly made the draft my goal, as it were, rather than the full plan as summarily detailed in one of the Dog posts here.

1 comment:

  1. I can see myself being the guy in that manga page.

    Is that bad?