Wednesday, March 30, 2011

And so I NEET

I recently became a NEET (recently being late last year), and while I do enjoy the free time filled with no stress, I can feel depression setting in already. I have three books I could read, I have tons of anime to finish watching, and yet all I ever do is refresh the same few websites. I lack motivation even to eat, and would subsist on TownHouse crackers if not for my parents. Some part of me feels as though I should be ashamed because my past teachers and such would look at me in disgust if they saw my situation, but I realize I live for no one else but myself, and to bother myself with how others think or feel is an unnecessary nuisance.

I do read manga, but more out of necessity to ensure my list on mangaupdates doesn't pile up. I do enjoy it, though (Balance Policy is really well drawn), as and after I read, but I think I wouldn't be able to start reading if not for that nagging, prickly feeling I get when I think about letting my reading-list on that site pile up.
I play video games too, but they feel unrewarding. I play them, beat or lose to them, and then there's no reward or penalty for doing either. At least with manga, I get a story, maybe learn something, but video games have no gain, they have no substance. Despite that, it's really easy to get pulled in, and I spent some money on a new computer that I'm waiting to ship to me so I can play games more intensive than, say, Morrowind or Alpha Centauri.

When it comes to anime or books, while I do enjoy them as and after I watch/read them, actually starting is such a trial of will power that I fail more often than not. I truly don't know why, the reason for where this came from escapes me, though I have a couple guesses. One of which is that perhaps I am suffering from not knowing what it is I would like to do in 'the future'. I am, as I remember reading once, at the time in my life that I can devote everything to achieving my dreams without being burdened by responsibilities of life as imposed by our society. I don't need to worry about health (though my heart has always been having problems working right), nor about bills (though my dad borrowed money from me last week to pay the gas bill), nor even how others perceive me (though I'm going to begin taking some random course at a nearby community college soon so student loans stay off my back).

As it is, as I said, I spend my days refreshing, hardly posting due to how I am, and feeling really bored about how boring most, if not all, of what is posted is. Refresh, read, refresh, read, refresh, read. That poster obviously doesn't mean what he typed, so why is this guy getting so worked up? Refresh, read again, refresh...


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