A full circle?

At the current moment, I have, for a short time at least, achieved my goals stated in the fifth post on this site. That is to say, I am currently fortunate enough to possess a place to sleep that isn't infested by bugs and vermin, food to eat that isn't rotten, water to drink and bathe in that is constantly clean, and I have an unlimited, almost-high-speed internet connection and a computer with (two!) large hard drives.

And while I have been living in this utopia of my definition, I have been feeling nothing but apathy toward what interests I once held in quite high regard. Now, the reason for this confused me for quite some time. I could have played it to the adage that humans don't really want what they want, but that's despicable and I disagree with that heavily. So, instead, I did what I typically do when I want to figure something out about myself: I plunged into my usual form of escapism in hopes of not thinking about it until it came to me naturally. It doesn't make sense when I type it down, but it always feels like the best decision at the time. Honestly, it does.

In any event, it wasn't until a random song of Amagami's OST played in my media player that I realized why I was feeling depressed. I had made a mistake in what I said I previously desired, though I unintentionally corrected myself in other posts. I had originally said that I was fine with no lover, with the implication of the same lack of desire toward friends. Toward friends, I am still sure I do not need them, and don't really want any either, as I have always been, but I am quite lonely, it seems.

As a forewarning, I am not, and never have been, one of those who believe in "3DPD." While I do not judge those who hold to such a belief, my own experiences with people and love have not caused me such great pain as to swear them off entirely. Indeed, all my romantic experiences (the most advanced of which was my relation with a girl who I knew liked me, who everyone else knew she liked me and I liked her, and who even she knew I liked her, yet we did nothing but enjoy each others' company because we were too shy to make the first move. Or, at least, I was. I don't know about her, maybe she was waiting for me to "man up", as they say.), all my romantic experiences have left me with a rather enjoyable feeling of loving and being loved by a person who wasn't blood-related.

Actually, thinking about it, I can't even think of a bad experience that resulted from a romantic entanglement on my part. I always kept my distance so as to not get hurt, but got close enough to enjoy the feelings of being in love and being loved. Wow, I'm more of a coward than I originally held myself as.

Well, that aside, it is because of my experience (or lack of, perhaps) in love has always made me feel good that I believe I desire those feelings now. It is more difficult to explain feelings I've had begotten from love (or infatuation, if you wish) than I had originally thought. Still, to make an effort, the feeling of someone enjoying my company, coupled with the feeling of rapturous joy by simply being in the presence of the beloved is, I believe, the equation that I lack in my current life.

Assuming this is the case, and I have the equation correct, it is simply a matter of finding someone to fit that. That is to say, someone who enjoys my company and to whom I feel a sort of obsessive attachment towards. Both must be fulfilled, not just one and not the other, or else the result will be too unsteady. Then again, I suppose I could try my imagination to fulfill the first, though...It wouldn't hurt, probably. After all, being a shut-in doesn't give much in way of making acquaintances.

Of course, it could be that, as spoken in Honey and Clover, this  is just a wave of loneliness that will wash away after a while before coming back, then leaving again. Indeed, at the present moment, this could be one of those 'big waves' for all I know. Or it could be that, rather than a lover, I simply need someone I feel I can depend on who doesn't feel disgust toward me (Not that anyone I know does, openly at least). Hell, for that matter, I could be getting the whole source of my current despondency wrong entirely. Though, the only thing to do is try things at random and hope it goes away, I suppose.

Nonetheless, I must assure you that I do not regret my current lifestyle, in case I gave that impression. Humans always desire stagnation in one form or another, and I am no different. I just wish to tweak my own kind of peaceful life a bit, having mistakenly made the draft my goal, as it were, rather than the full plan as summarily detailed in one of the Dog posts here.

And so I NEET

I recently became a NEET (recently being late last year), and while I do enjoy the free time filled with no stress, I can feel depression setting in already. I have three books I could read, I have tons of anime to finish watching, and yet all I ever do is refresh the same few websites. I lack motivation even to eat, and would subsist on TownHouse crackers if not for my parents. Some part of me feels as though I should be ashamed because my past teachers and such would look at me in disgust if they saw my situation, but I realize I live for no one else but myself, and to bother myself with how others think or feel is an unnecessary nuisance.

I do read manga, but more out of necessity to ensure my list on mangaupdates doesn't pile up. I do enjoy it, though (Balance Policy is really well drawn), as and after I read, but I think I wouldn't be able to start reading if not for that nagging, prickly feeling I get when I think about letting my reading-list on that site pile up.
I play video games too, but they feel unrewarding. I play them, beat or lose to them, and then there's no reward or penalty for doing either. At least with manga, I get a story, maybe learn something, but video games have no gain, they have no substance. Despite that, it's really easy to get pulled in, and I spent some money on a new computer that I'm waiting to ship to me so I can play games more intensive than, say, Morrowind or Alpha Centauri.

When it comes to anime or books, while I do enjoy them as and after I watch/read them, actually starting is such a trial of will power that I fail more often than not. I truly don't know why, the reason for where this came from escapes me, though I have a couple guesses. One of which is that perhaps I am suffering from not knowing what it is I would like to do in 'the future'. I am, as I remember reading once, at the time in my life that I can devote everything to achieving my dreams without being burdened by responsibilities of life as imposed by our society. I don't need to worry about health (though my heart has always been having problems working right), nor about bills (though my dad borrowed money from me last week to pay the gas bill), nor even how others perceive me (though I'm going to begin taking some random course at a nearby community college soon so student loans stay off my back).

As it is, as I said, I spend my days refreshing, hardly posting due to how I am, and feeling really bored about how boring most, if not all, of what is posted is. Refresh, read, refresh, read, refresh, read. That poster obviously doesn't mean what he typed, so why is this guy getting so worked up? Refresh, read again, refresh...

Aria

Having just finished the third season, I have to say that this is the best anime I have ever seen. The setting is wonderful, the music is absolutely gorgeous, the characters are all lovable, the art is beautiful, and the pacing was perfect, but more than that, by the end of the anime, I can't help but be filled with pure, unadulterated love toward Neo-Venezia and the dear Undines. The anime does very well at bringing you into its world to share in the happiness of the people of Aqua.

To be honest, after learning so much about the holidays and festivals, the occurrences, the sights, I almost wish to learn more about the Gnomes', Sylphs', and Salamanders' respective works, after learning so much about the Undines', even if only to immerse myself in their beautiful world a little while longer, but the ending to Aria was just so beautiful, I don't know if I want more to take away from the warm feeling of love I was left with.

I was a little disappointed I never found out about the man to be married, or had any reappearance of Cait Sith in the last season, but I realized that the former is pretty much irrelevant and I don't care about who he is so long as the new wife is happy, and the latter...well, concerning him, you can't really get any sort of closure. It'd just be wrong, considering who he is, right? Still, I think he deserved at least one appearance in the last season. I still have no clue why season three was only 13 episodes, compared to the second's 26. Oh, one more thing is that I felt Al's sudden 'growth spurt' odd and out of place. Especially considering what it already established as Gnome characteristics. Well, that, and their showing the elderly Gnome as shorter still than Al makes him growing taller extremely odd. I suppose you could chalk it up to genetics overcoming environment, but...

Never has an anime become so endeared to my heart, nor characters made me feel as deeply for them as these did. By the end of it, I felt myself desiring them all to just be happy, whatever it is they do, and even now I feel for them such unconditional love I never thought possible before.

If you haven't seen Aria, please do so, but more importantly, if you have seen it, watch it again. 

There's no way you could regret spending a few days in Neo-Venezia.

Wit

Perhaps it is because I just finished (re)watching the movie Wit (2001) that I felt compelled to think this through.

Else, it could be my seeing a thread asking about one's favorite class, referring not to scholarly classes, though I mistakenly thought so. In any regard, the movie did remind me that my favorite classes were, since the eighth grade, largely English classes, and, as I grew older, became specifically poetry and literature classes.

Perhaps it is due in part to the prolixity of most poems, and some literature, that causes my enjoyment of the classes, but that can only account for, at most, less than half of my love, as though it were quantifiable. Indeed, the source for the majority of my utter revelry in such classes is the professors themselves. Every single one, whether considered 'good' or 'bad', causes in me gaiety as such I can hardly feel except under extremely specific, and unrelated to this subject, circumstances.

To elaborate, it is sitting in front of a professor, as an unseen observer, unseen insofar as I am not being personally seen by him, or her, seeing as I would be in a crowd of, say, 300 other students. But it is sitting in front of a professor and hearing him go on about a poem, or novel, and detail various ideas and theories to the extent that it is obvious, to me at least, of the love these professors have for their subject.

For example, in this movie, the professor Vivian (I am terrible with names and, as such, have already forgotten her last name...), as well as her professor from some time ago, have a scene where Vivian is lectured on a particular poem of John Donne. Now, an English teacher of mine from a few years back told me this story of John Donne and this poem, and I will retell it to you, but I may have it wrong, and for that, I apologize beforehand.

From what I recall, this particular poem of John Donne was published, I believe, sometime in the 17th century. In that poem, which is very beautiful in its own right, the last line goes:

And Death shall be no more, Death, thou shalt die.

And then, some time later, another version, written by Donne, naturally, of the same poem was found. This time ending with:

And Death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die!

 Note the difference. Not only is there an exclaimation mark at the end, but the comma has turned into a semicolon, thus, as Vivian's professor points out in the movie, turning what was a breath into some melodramatic line fit for Shakespeare (paraphrasing her words). Seeing as the two were dated quite close to each other, it is up to scholarly debate as to which rendition is the 'correct' rendition, hence Vivian's professor's poison toward the copy using the latter punctuation style.

Now, for all practical purposes, who cares, right? Nonetheless, it is in my seeing these professors, English, literature, poetry professors, all go on about a piece that sets my soul aflame. It does not matter if I care for the subject, either of the class or of the piece they're lecturing on, just hearing them talk about it, hearing the love in their voice, hearing all the hours they spent outside of class preparing for the lecture, researching, writing notes, discussing with their colleagues...

You have, of course, knowledge of people saying how they heard a wonderful piece of music, or how they saw a particularly beautiful field of flowers, and so were imbued with sheer love of life, yes? It is very much the same thing, though the cause of the feeling is different.

It is a bit odd, honestly, because, in the lectures, you are expected, both as student and simple observer, to not just hear them speak, but to understand their speech, to take notes, to absorb the knowledge they're putting forth. But...but it is just so much more enjoyable to hear them. To hear the tonations of their voice, the different pitches as they read aloud a particular passage, or emphasize a point in their lecture. I gather more joy from hearing them speak, even if, after their lecture is over, I retain nothing, than I do paying apt attention to the meaning of their words and forcing myself to understand what Locke means about material intercourse, or whatever the phrase was. Not very good for a student, hm?

It does not work the same way when, say, an electrical engineer, or nuclear physicist, or medical doctor drones on about their jargon. Indeed, in such cases, I automatically trigger the nod-and-smile mechanism and have my mind wander off to recite Henry V in my head, or thinking about how pretty the clouds are.

As I said, though, not only does listening to professors lecture give me joy, but hearing them read aloud, or even just myself reading silently, various pieces of poetry, or of literature with nice prose, grants me the same, if not greater, joy.

I think I want a book of poetry for Christmas.

"The more I love humanity in general, the less I love man in particular."

I always fashioned myself something after Dostoevsky's quote, but I must admit that, the longer and more frequent I keep myself knowledgeable in current events, and, in particular, public opinions of said current events (namely through eavesdropping, comments-section reading, and random googling), the more I find myself turning into a misanthrope.

A current case that caught my eye, which I will hold my tongue a bit out of paranoia from my watching a movie about the stasi earlier this morning, about that one book on Amazon's best seller list, which they defended against accusations and such, then took down in spite of that defense.

But that's not my problem. Indeed, Amazon is a private business and was acting in pure Capitalist desires. I've no qualms against such an action, though I'd prefer a defense of free speech, I am not so Idealistic to expect a big business to prioritize freedom of expression over money.

No, my problem is that newer story of the author being arrested in Colorado, to be extradited to Florida, and thus prosecuted under Florida Criminal Law, not for writing the book, deplorable though the book may be, but for distributing it across state lines.

To put it simply, people everywhere, in every corner of the country, in every news site, conservative or liberal, want this man to die the most gruesome of deaths for writing his book. And, while I do not condone the actions described in the book, I do not want him to die the most gruesome of deaths for writing it. If he broke the law in writing it, then by all means convict him.

That's the thing, though. He has essentially become the target of society's disgust for writing this book, but is going to be convicted under a criminal offense of distributing "obscene" material across state lines. Now, anyone who has had even the slightest interest in the US' policies concerning material deemed, shall I say, less-than-savory in the eyes of the majority of society should know this law very well. It is, unless I've slipped up on the names, the same law Chris Handley was convicted under. Indeed, while the 'normals' wanted him thrown in prison for his cartoon porn, he was only convicted for transporting "obscene" material across state lines.

Now, this is my problem. This law is obviously nonsensical. Why, nearly every single American in this country is in violation of it, if pornography crossing state lines via copper cables counts, and yet the law is not enforced against us. No, this law's purpose is to single out a minority and torture them, socially and legally, taking away all they have by publicizing their 'dirty little secrets' and throwing them in jail for good measure. It is in this way that, upon release, they will be hard pressed to find a job, their families will avoid them, friends will have mysteriously vanished or changed their phone numbers, and they will have their world flipped upside down. This is, in effect, the same qualms I have against Megan's Law, but never you mind that.

People across the world have an opinion over the American Legal System, mostly, if not wholly, negative. The reason, I believe, the justice system in this country is horrid is due, not to corrupt politicians, nor private jails, but for another matter.

It is not illegal for this man to write or sell this book. At all. Everyone who wants the author to burn in hell, to get violently raped in prison, to get shot in the forehead, to be tortured, to be flayed upon a stake, or whatever other graphic descriptions I've read good Christians and kindly Atheist neighbors demand of him, it is for an action that is not a crime. And thank god for it.

But because it is not illegal for him to write this book, the only way they can satisfy their vindictive desires for justice is by catching him on a nonsensical law that, as I have said, surely all of Americans are in violation of, but only those who go against the 'normal moral mindset' are convicted under.

It is in the minds of every American that its purpose is to extract vengeance from criminals. A sort of reparation to the victims, whoever they may be. Indeed, even people who are not the victims of a crime have become so self-centered that they demand revenge extracted from criminals and/or supposed criminals for 'crimes' not inflicted upon them.

This is why the US legal system is horrid. Not corruption of officials, but because the people themselves are selfish and corrupt.  And thus my slow descent into misanthropy, hating both man in particular and man in general, at least as defined by man in the particular.

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My apologies, it seems I was a bit misinformed. I could type up my misinformation, but a screenshot with relevant links would be easier. And it would serve as an image for this post.

Link #1 | Link #2 | Link #3

Well, that being the case, I take back my remarks on the Federal law concerning obscenity. Not that it matters, but it's good to be honest about these things. My opinions about American citizens and using the justice system as a means to their sense of satisfying their 'revenge' I still stand by, however.